This my friends is not R-rated content. Infact it's not even A-Rated and children in the theater look on as they see Deepika dive into a deep, unabashed lip lock with Ranveer(time and time again); they look on as lecherous men watch Nangi filmey on a TV; they look on as Priyanka Chopra buttons her unbuttoned choli in an item number and they look on as there are attempted rapes on screen. And most unfortunately, they look on as Ranveer emotes like his gonads have been clipped a second ago. You wonder what intellectual masturbation the Censor board must have done before giving this film a U/A ceritificate! And then you wonder how Sanjay Horny Bhansali should consider marrying asap, looking at his level of desperation.
This my friends is not a movie. This is Sanjay's erotic dream, laden with violence and cheap sms jokes. This is everything he never did and never could. This is him trying hard to stay hard. It could well have been named "Choliyon ki Traas-leela, KAMA-leela"
What's the story? Well, as I said this is another attempt to turn Willian Shakespeare in his grave. It's yet another attempt at killing the eternal love tale - Romeo Julliet. 2 tribes living as far as a Big-Door away hate each other's guts. They piss on each other's property and then play shoot-the-f@ck-up with each other's heads. But Ram is of a different breed. He hates violence. He hates dictatorship, and loves dick-take-her-ship. So he shows off his 100 pack kamariya and lays every dame in his clan. Finally his desperation takes him to his Rival camp on Holi-day where he spots a virgin. The first time his water pistol ejaculates spurts of water, you know what is to come! They fall in love, elope, try to copulate, are unfortunately c@ck-blocked, dragged back home and forced to become the Dons of their respective clans.
Though you know what and who is coming , nothing can prepare you for the ham (and sausage) fest. The sets are grandiose and vibrant, every frame is like a painting and the scale has SLB written all over it. But that's about it. It seems like SLB is trying to be both Vishal Bharadwaj and Anurag Kashyup at a time. The dialogues are downright gross and the choreography (though classy sometimes) is essentially crass. The songs sound like the B-Grade versions of Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. You try hard not to be repulsed by the proceedings, but Sanjay seems adamant to shove his erection on your face. (Yeah, isn't that repulsive!!!)
The only saving grace is "Supriya Pathak Shah" who plays Ba with aplomb. No matter how hard Sanjay tries ( Literally and figuratively) to debase her character, she still comes out of this shit unscathed; imagine her sending a dead peacock (no, not pee-cock.. peacock, the bird) to Ram and saying "Our dushmani is no More!!!". Yes, that lame.
Deepika looks like a million bucks and convincingly plays the dame who craves for a solitary f@ck ( while you try not to give one!). Ranveer - well, let's say he suffers performance anxiety and misfires rather horribly. Infact he fingers your patience so much that you are ready to burst out of the theater at any given moment. And when you eventually do, you wonder why couldn't have the film climaxed sooner.
For those who have seen the film - CUMmiserations... and for those who haven't - Stay Protected. This film will give you a pain deep in your unmentionables and make you turn in your seat like Sir William turns in his grave. Please stay home and satisfy yourself in any other way pussible. Coz Sanjay literally tries to gang-bang your mind all by himself ( Director/Producer/Screeplay writer/Music Director/Editor) Seriously... Tum Mind Kho Chuke Sanjay...
( For the Art Director, Cinematographer and Editor)