Very rarely is cinema used to show the world in all its glorious greys. They generally paint the world black and white. You root for the protagonist through their absolutely worst, because somewhere you know he/she has been wronged. But what if nothing was black or white. What if with every step you had to question your decision? Three Billboards is cinema at its powerful best. Because it opens up a separate can of worms at every step and makes you question where you stand morally. And that is what makes it a deeply affecting piece of art. 
 
The plot is simple. It’s a mom’s quest to find the killer and rapist of her daughter, and she is ready to do absolutely anything to do the same. In one glorious move, she directly attacks the Police Chief by asking hard questions about the murder on 3 billboards placed on a freeway that is hardly used by anyone. And this, as they say, stirs up the hornet’s nest.
 
While everyone sympathizes with her, they also sympathize with the chief as he is not only a good man but also a dying man. While she doesn’t know about it when she puts up the hoarding, but even after finding out she doesn’t bend. She knows she is on the right path and no guilt can stop her from finding out the truth about her daughter. Now, she not only faces the wrath of the town but also of the Chief’s racist sidekick. Will she succeed in her mission, in embarrassing the police enough for them to find her daughter’s killer? Or will she succumb to the pressure put by the police on her? To know that you will have to watch the movie. And watch you must!
 
The movie will really make you think. You might find some things too farfetched, too sudden, but then most of it will just make you think what you would have done. You will judge each character, you will take sides, you will definitely be moved. It is not a perfect movie, but it is an affecting movie and very rarely does a movie put you on that moral seesaw. Is the mother going to far by going after a dying police chief? Is the police chief really a good guy if he supports a racist, aggressive subordinate? Is the subordinate really bad or is he driven to that by his wicked mom? Is the mother really any different than a racist subordinate if she discriminates against a dwarf? There are many questions and very few answers. You have to look within to find these answers and that is the triumph of the film.
 
Martin McDonagh, the writer-director of this film is truly a champ. After having given us marvels like “In Bruges” and “Seven Psychopaths”, he really ups the game in Three Billboards.  He could be picking up some big ones at the Oscars soon. And what adds the cherry on top are the performances. While Francis McDormand is flawless as the grieving mother ( and almost has the Oscar in the bag), Woody Harrelson excels as the police chief stuck between a rock and a hard place. But the one who’s character is the most flawed is the wicked subordinate played by Sam Rockwell. You might question his character’s arc, but you won’t question the performance – it’s brilliant. It’s so good to see him get some meaty roles once in a while. And this might just get him an Oscar.
 
So you might catch it before the Oscars on Monday morning or maybe after that, but be assured that it will be hoarding a lot of awards. Coz whether you like it or not, Francis McDormand is a Volcano that will engulf you with her fury. 
 
Rating: 4.5/5  - Yes, it has its problems, but then it is like nothing you have ever seen.

There’s a scene in the middle where a lecherous Akshay Kumar (cameo), sporting a hair-bun, forces the 2 main leads of the film to take off their clothes and expose their buns. Standing there in their kachchaas, exposing their perfect abs, they question a suspect! The scene is utterly pointless, but then in that scene you know that the Kachchaa exposing antics of David Dhawan have well and truly been transmitted to his son, Rohit Dhawan. The only saving grace is that you don’t have to look at the hairy legs of Shakti Kapoor!

 
I had no intention of watching this film, but then I read some good reviews about it and someone even said that it was like a Hindi version of Bad Boys. GHATAA!! It was just a very bad mix of all the regular buddy cop comedy tropes.

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If you have seen the trailer, then you know that this movie begins with the kidnapping of a famous Indian cricketer (conveniently named Viraj). To solve this case, the Indian Foreign Minister sends to UAE the best Indian cop (John Abraham). He has the mind of Sherlock Holmes and the range of expressions of a wooden broomstick! There he combines with an Indian-Origin rookie cop from the UAE (Varun Dhawan) and they ham their way to solving the case. And yeah, Akshaye Khanna plays one of the lamest bad guys in the history of Indian cinema.

 
The story, screenplay and direction is done by Rohit Dhawan. With so much talent filled in one person (Zilch), no wonder this film turned out the way it did (Belch)! While the premise is interesting, the story runs out of steam pretty quick and third rate jokes start to pile up. John acts like a regular hard ass in a foreign land and the police force there seems utterly inept. And the case is solved by mistake, rather than competence. Even the way they escape in the end is so pea-brained, you just know that someone with an IQ of Rahul Gandhi would have conceptulaised it. 


Varun Dhawan tries really hard to make this ride fun, but most of the audience is left looking as constipated as John Abraham. This is because the investigation is pretty lame, the action sequences sub par, the songs forgettable and the acting just atrocious. The best piece of comedy is from a cellphone conversation Varun has with an unknown person, which is entirely irrelevant to the story and that doesn’t speak too highly of the movie. Atleast, David Dhawan and Govinda would ensure some genuine laughs!
 
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It’s amazing how John Abraham still gets movies. There are enough beefy guys in the industry to do what he has been doing ( NOT acting) for so many years. Why him?? Anyway, Varun is talented but he needs a better vehicle than this to deliver. As for Nargis Fakhri and Jacqueline Fernandes, the less we speak about them, the better. Even Akshaye Khanna wastes his comeback, but then maybe he would have got an Abbas Mastan thriller instead. So he doesn’t really have too many options. The only saving grace of this film are the cricket scenes and Mohinder Amarnath’s acting! Subhaan Allah…

 
Should you watch this movie? Absolutely not. If entertainment was the objective, then Dhawan fails miserably. It neither has style, nor substance. It is pretty redundant in the scheme of things and is definitely not worth the price of admission. Infact it would be better to have SAU TARAH KE ROG, rather than watch this bullshit.

 
Rating: 3/10

Lo and behold... Luv Ranjan has given rise to an all new genre of movies... the male equivalent to a Chick Flick.... It's the D#ck Flick! Yeah, it's a movie where a bunch of frustrated guys get together and bitch about their girlfriends, their friend's girlfriends and just about any other girlfriend they know of. 

Gone are the days when guys would leave their frustrations behind and watch a mindless action flick with loads of stunts and gore. It's the twitter generation. Now we want to constantly bitch and hashtag it. We want to showcase our frustrations, rather than remove that frustration in a game of Aaba Doobi! Yes, we men are now more in touch with our feelings. And so the rise of the d#ck flick.

 Luv Ranjan takes the exact same recipe as last time, but just gives more of everything. He's got more money to blow, so he does that with aplomb. The girls are bitchier than ever, the guys are whinier than before, the solo rants are longer and there is even a foreign location pumped in. The songs continue to be useless, the direction remains mediocre and the performances uneven. Off the 3 guys, 2 are consistent but 1 is good sometimes. Sad that they couldn't get the bespectacled guy in the first movie who was by far the most competent actor! The girls are caricatures and one-dimensional characters, that are out there to take advantage of every move that the guy makes.

Now, I am an engineer, so I understand the space this movie comes from. The mind of an extremely frustrated guy, who doesn't get a girl for years ( not even in the same classroom) and builds up a lot of contempt for womankind. Stories float around of how hearts are broken and mountains are built of molehills ( literally and figure-atively speaking!!!). The first film touched the hearts of every such guy out there. Finally, someone was giving it back. And the success of this movie proves that those guys are out there even today looking for an outlet. What's ironic is the girls don't mind this movie either, so you might catch most guys going for the film because their girlfriend's want to go for this movie! Afterall a D#ck Flick has a similar premise to a Chick Flick, just that this is the guy's side of the story.

The film does have its moments and does touch chords that most guys would relate to, but Luv Ranjan seems to be a one trick pony. His film Akaash Vani ( love story) didn't do well, so he is back with part 2 of the same shit that worked. Now let's see if he can come back strong. Ofcourse with something new. Or he could just make a SitCom on the same premise ( the film does have a more sitcom feel to it) and could just keep milking the frustration week after week.

Rating: 4.5/10

There is a scene in the film, where Amy Jackson sits on Akshay Kumar, while he is on the driver's seat and she goes on to drive the SUV through rough terrain. As her shapely behind smashes against Kumar's manhood, he squirms out of pleasure. Now imagine you are Akshay Kumar and Prabhudeva is Amy Jackson. That's how much fun this ride is! #Vomit

It's amazing how even after making Ramaiya Vastavaiya and Action Jackson, Prabhudeva still gets money to waste on films like Singh is Bling. His Directorial Pelvic Thrusts ring deep in the recesses of your mind and give you a shooting pain in the arse.

This film cannot be called a film, because it lacks everything needed to make a film (most importantly brains). There is no story, no screenplay. The dialogue writing is atrocious, the acting ridiculous. Amy Jackson adds to the list of Madame Bollywood's list of Wax Statues! And the worst part is, it isn't even remotely funny. The Sardar Jokes have become too Blah and not even Akshay Kumar's goofy charm can help. This is the kind of film made for the lowest common denominator, but which fails even there.

While Singh is King had good songs and decent comedy, this one makes the original seem like a masterpiece. And you can't even say that it is so bad, it's good. Yeah, it's just bad. Someone please give Prabhudeva a one way ticket to Chennai and just BAN him for life. He might be a great dancer, but he cannot make such a mockery of public money and direction - as an art form. Let me not waste more time on this shit. Seriously, in front of this, piss is bliss!

Rating: 1.5/10 ( Only for playing the TUNG TUNG song in the beginning!)
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Well, there are times when you’ve got to forget everything else and just “stand up & applause” a performance. A performance so brilliant that it leaves the perfectionists and the kings behind. A performance by an artist so confident of her game that everything else just wilts in comparison.   

I confess, I am in love again. I am Run out, Bowled over, completely stunned by this powerhouse of a performer. With Tanu Weds Manu Returns, Kangana shows every Khan, every Kapoor in the business that she’s the Hero they really need to be worried about! She’s got the swag, the talent and the charisma – that’s 3 khans packed into one.

Anand Rai’s story is really mad cap and his characters are ever crazier. The film starts off with an absolutely bonkers of a scene where Manu gets institutionalized for being mad. Tanu, who’s a lost soul in London, returns to Kanpur and finds her Mojo! She starts flirting around, creating havoc everywhere she goes. She’s the “patakha” whose “waat” is always on fire. She’s ready to explode. And explode she does! Meanwhile, Manu gets saved by his friend Pappi, who takes him back home to Delhi. And that’s when he meets Kusum, Tanu’s Haryanvi look-alike. From then on, things go from mad to worse!

The first half of the film is an absolute laugh riot. It is not so much the story, but the dialogues and the delivery that creates the magic. Every actor in the film does his/her bit with aplomb. Be it Madhavan’s awkward silences or Dobriyal’s one liners. Be it Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub’s madness or Jimmy Shergill’s stability. But it is Kangana who steals the show by a mile and 3 quarters! You are already in awe of her drunken, broken, screw the world, badass attitude as Tanu, when a thunderbolt called Kusum strikes you. Half the theater didn’t even realise the 2nd Kangana is actually Kangana. It’s that big a transformation. Not just physically, but the body language, the dialect, the gestures. And your jaw literally drops. You are as awe-struck as Madhavan in the film.

A lot of credit goes to Anand Rai, who gives Ranaut the ‘roles’ she deserves and she hits the ball right out of the park. So even though the films story goes into the absolutely lunacy zone in the second half and the director seems to be wandering in LA LA land, Kangana holds you spellbound. Watch her dance with absolute rage in “Main Ghani Baawri Ho gayi” as Tanu or walk determinedly in “Move On” or dance with complete abandon in “Banno tera Swagger (Sweater)!!” and tell me if anyone else can pull it off with that much panache! Watch her teary eyes drunken walk as she aches to be the other girl and tell me that you are not reminded of Meena Kumari. No wonder she’s been picked to play Meena in her biopic! No one else could pull it off.

As you can see, this is not so much a review as a love letter, an ode to the best performance I have seen in a long long time; probably one of the best I have ever seen. So forget about everything else, and do yourself a favour – Watch Tanu Weds Manu Returns. Get ready to do the double take at her double take and then bow to the Queen…

Rating: 7.5/10

P.S: I won’t really go into the technical aspects or the flaws in the central premise, because that would dilute the impact of Kangana’s roles. Go get angry, laugh and cry with her, and forget about the flaws in everything else. 

It’s Diwali time. SRK’s fiefdom. The time when he throws his bombs at us and we put our bums on them, ready to be blown away! And this year, he is here with the first ever Musical Heist film – or so they claim. They say these 2 genres have never been combined and for good reason, apparently.

So, SRK wants to take revenge against Jackie Dada for falsely implicating his father in a robbery case. He teams up a rag tag bunch of cliched characters and concocts a hair-brained plan. They have to WIN the World Dance Championship, for the plan to be successful. What follows is some entertainment and loads of idiocy. 

Anyway, inspired by the film, I danced my way to the finals of a musical dance show hosted on TV to promote this film and got a chance to con an interview out of SRK! Here’s are the exclusive gems from our discussion.

Me: “Sir, first of all, I would like to CONgratulate you on the grand Dubai premier of your film.”

SRK: “Thank you Thank you. Itni shiddat se humne yeh film promote ki hai, ki humaare account main wajan aapke hi note ki hai!”

Me: “Huh? Ok… Well, Sir you promoted this film as a Musical Con film. But Sir, this was more like a Popcorn film. Where’s the con? ”

SRK: “Con kambakth bardaasth karne ke liye film banataa hai, hum toh film banaate hai taaki public humpe paisa phek sake!”

Me: “Oh! Ok.. even the music is not that great considering it’s a Musical. No?”

SRK: “ Don’t underestimate the power of a common man Viru. Musical nahi hai toh kya hua? Naach toh phir bhi hoga… Woh bhi nangaa…”

Me: “Yes, public was having a good time. Specially in the first half. When it was neither a musical, nor a con film. Masala really worked. Why not just promote it as a Masala film? ”

SRK: “Pehle tumne kaha Con chodd do, phir tumne kahan Musical chodd do… Abb tum kahogay Masala chodd do.. ek din aayega tum kahogay films chodd do…”

Me: “Sir, Sir, gussa nako. I was just saying, that the film really works in the first half. Nonsensical-fun intros, good parody, good pace. But the central revenge theme is really weak. Thoda you should have worked on the script also. Second half jaan leti hai.”

SRK: “Zindagi toh harr roz jaan leti hai mere dost…. Meri picture toh bus ek baar legi!”

Me: “True that! But sir, you know that Con films need a good set up, a good villain, some empathy for the con-artists and should end with a super twist. I mean Heist films need to be intelligent. Thoda kaam karna mangta tha uspe right?”

SRK: “Kuch kaam aise hote hai jin main logic nahi dekhte… buss unmein faayda hona mangta hai. ”

Me: “Yeah, You must see Faayda. But a con film without logic is boring no? Farah seems like an intelligent lady. Why not apply it?”

SRK: “Intelligent!!! Hahahaha…. Badi Badi Khopdiyon main, aise chote chote bheje hote rehte hai! Look at my audience… They want tamasha… or they give tamacha.”

Me: “Well, on the plus side, Abhishek has done a good job, Boman is solid as ever. And well, good to see you not going too over the top even though the script itself is. Nice restraint Sir.”

SRK: “Sir….. Sir bahut Shreef lagta hai. Call me Don.”

Me: “Ok. Don. Do you think this will make 500 Crores?”

SRK: “Abb Sailaab aayega madan Chopra. Sailaab. Paison ka Sailaab.”

Me: “Madan Chopra?....err.. Don, why are you using your famous dialogues in every answer? Kuch original nahi likha kya? Even in the film, every dialogue is from some other movie. Wohi wohi baar baar karne main darr nahi lagta?”

SRK: “Mujhe darr toh bahut cheezon se lagta hai…par sabse zyada darr audience ko kho dene main lagta hai. Mujhe pataa hai, ki what works… works. Agar audience mujhe pyar karti hai toh palat kar phir theater main aayegi… Palat… Palat…”

Me: “India loves you, no doubt. But sir Kismat badi kutti cheez hai, kabhi bhi palat sakti hai..."

SRK: "Saala.. Mera kutta , mujhi pe baunk!!"

Me: " Sorry.. Sorry... One strange thing I saw. Your film has a disclaimer saying "Drinking is Injurious to Health" when you have liquor in your hands. Why did you agree to this? Pehle Smoking, abb drinking!!! Isn't this just too much parenting?" 

SRK: "Yeah, they got the idea from my film only - Kabhi khushi Kabhi Gum. I wanted to put this disclaimer throughout the film - No drinking. No smoking. No der se aana .."  

Me: "Aur jitni jaldi ho chale jaana.. right!!!... Final question. Chakk de India main you were Coach of Indian team. This time too you are captain of Team India, but I would like to state that the desi feeling is not really aroused. It’s too forced. Again, the appeal is too flimsy.”

SRK: “Mujhe stated logics sunai aur dikhaayi nahi dete hai… sirf ek mulk ko milk karna hai.. I…N..D..I..A…”

And with that he stood up in his trademark style - “Wide Ball” he said and walked away. I sniggered at the self-deprecating humour. And that’s what makes him the superstar he is (Plus, the photoshop that airbrushes his wrinkles in the entire 2nd half!! ).

Just wish that he would push his team to give more than just Masala to his audience. He has the power, he has the money - he has all the means necessary. Then why make a film where Heist meets Waste?

Rating: 5.5/10

P.S.: As a family Diwali entertainer – this is half way there. But if you are looking for some good con-struct, forget it. 


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Tweview: Homi picks some competent drivers, but loses direction mid way and steers into plothole territory! Naseer/Dimple make the journey worthwhile.

When you have stalwarts like Naseer, Dimple and Pankaj in a movie, you expect it to be worth your time. And Homi Adajania almost pulls it off, but not quiet!

Like “Being Cyrus”, Finding Fanny is based in a world of itself, where everything is a little caricaturish (like Wes Anderson films). So Naseer is this 70 year old baby, who still can’t find the courage to profess his love; Dimple is the curvaceous aunty, who is full of herself and constantly seeks attention; and Pankaj Kapoor is an over-the-top world-renound artist, who lech’es over Dimple. In this world of insanity, only the current crop is saner. Dipika, is the widow of Dimple’s son and Arjun is her neighbor cum former lover!

Their idyllic life is pushed into 3rd gear when Dipika decides to take Naseer on a journey to meet the love of his life. Everyone else tags along and thus begins a trip down lunacy lane. Each scene becomes a little more crazy, each frame a little more picturesque. But then Homi lacks the wacked out genius of Vishal Bharadwaj and the film goes downhill post interval. Homi loses direction half way and drives into so many plotholes, that you end up in the wilderness trying to figure what really happened.

Nonetheless, the acting from all the cast members is above-par and there are enough punchlines to keep you giggling. While Pankaj Kapoor is deliberately over-the-top, he is a little under-utilized. Naseer and Dimple steal the show, one with his squeaky operatic voice and the other with her awkward, overbearing personality. Dipika and Arjun, play their roles decently well and most importantly, deliver their English dialogues with as much ease as the stalwarts.  

While this is definitely a step up from the ridiculous “Cocktail”, Homi still will have to do a lot more to beat “Being Cyrus”. In a desperate attempt to make the film commercially viable, he over-plays the Dipika-Arjun romance. It just gets extremely boring and breaks the momentum of the film. And then, the plot falls into the trap of predictability, with many forced laughs. It would have been great if he cut it as sharp as Being Cyrus ( just 83 minutes!).

So should you watch it? Well, this would have made an awesome Tele-film, but then if you have the time watch it on big screen for 3 amazing actors and 1 exceptional cinematographer! But don’t expect it to be a “Little Miss Sunshine”.. It’s a little Miss, a little Sunshine.

Rating: 5.5/10

Disagree? Comment and let me know why. Agree?  Like and share it with the world!

2 weeks, 2 brave actresses, 2 female oriented stories, 2 movies about a journey. While 1 was a pleasant surprise, the other gave me Travel sickness. Let’s compare them on the same scale to see which one came up trumps.

Story:

While Queen is a simple story about finding oneself, Highway is practically a “let’s do it as it comes” story of finding oneself.

Queen’s story is predictable, but there is an inherent honesty to it. Rani (Kangana), after being ditched by her to-be husband a day before the wedding, goes on her scheduled honeymoon and discovers herself with the help of some friends she makes along the way. While there is nothing too amazing about the story, it’s the simplicity and the little moments created by Vikas Bahl, that make it worthwhile.

Highway is deliberately meandering and complicated. Veera (Alia) is kidnapped by Hooda and they keep going from one place to the other, pointlessly. The protagonist justifies this by repeatedly saying things like “I don’t know why I am laughing. I don’t know why I like this. I don’t know why I didn’t run away. I don’t know why, but I don’t want this journey to end.” Imtiaz takes an Imtihaan of your patience and you start wondering why this film was made.

Music:

Queen has a bunch of refreshing songs by Amit Trivedi. Be it the uplifting feel of Kinaare or the thumkedaar London Thumkda, Trivedi is in top form. The songs compliment the film beautifully. 

Highway’s music, on the other hand, feels like another A.R.Rehman recycle job. Though Rehman provides a beautiful background score, only Patakha Guddi meets the mark.

Performances:

Queen is powered by the unpredictable Kangana. Though she struggles in the first couple of scenes (especially the Coffee Shop breakup scene), her performance keeps getting stronger as the movie progresses. Ofcourse, it is not necessarily the order in which they shot, but it just seems that she comes into her own in the foreign sequences. Maybe we get used to her gradually. Be it her well-mannered behavior with everyone or her unabashedly awkward dance in the night club, Kangana is spectacular. Rajkumar Rao is solid in his smallish role, but the others are just about ok. You are actually so enamored by the sweet little film, that you ignore stuff like the terrible acting of Lisa Haydon and company.  

Highway has overall a much better ensemble cast. Everyone in this film plays his/her part decently well. The big surprise comes in the form of Alia Bhatt, who displays quiet a wide range of emotions; far from the bimbo she was made out to be in “Student of the Year”. Imtiaz tests her with several long shots that are focused just on her face and Alia comes up trumps most of the times. She seems like a natural, hope she keeps up the good work. Randeep seems to be in familiar zone and displays angst really well. In the absence of a script, Imtiaz depend heavily on Alia and Randeep, and they don’t disappoint.

Technical Aspects:

While Vikas Bahl seems to have quite a competent team at his disposal, Imtiaz seems to have the masters. Queen’s cinematography is good but Highway’s is just spectacular. Anil Mehta captures India in all its glory and captivates you along the way. Even the editing, production value of Highway just feel a bit better. As a finished product Highway is top notch, but as a film Queen wins hands down. The sum of the parts in Queen is much more than the whole.

Final Verdict:

Highway is Imtiaz’s keeda. It’s that experiment you do as a director when you want to go to international awards. What Imtiaz forgets is most good films have a good script and his film uses the “Stockholm Syndrome” so poorly that it is rather embarrassing. It’s also extremely frustrating to sit through a film that you know is pieced together on the editing table rather than the writer’s desk. While it is essentially an exercise in pointlessness, you do appreciate some of the finer aspects of film-making along the way.

Queen on the other hand is a simple script, made with good intentions and an overall sincere effort. It does not go over-board either in grief or in comedy. There is neither any melodrama when the wedding is called off nor any browbeating when the protagonist gains her confidence. Everything is measured and the after taste is sweet. The dialogues are fun and the movie is peppered with some deliciously good scenes. No matter how hard you try to be objective, you do leave the theater with a grin.

So yeah, if you had to choose between the two, leave the road and go for Royalty.

Rating:

Highway: 4.5/10        |           Queen: 6.5/10

I have been married for 6 years now. And I must tell you the actual thing has not given me as many side effects as '2 and half hours' of this film! With this film, producer Pritish Nandy is trying hard to replicate the success of "Pyaar Ke Side Effects" - the sleeper hit of 2006, but all he manages to do is give you a hajaar side effects. Here are only a few of them:

1) Depression: 15 minutes into the film you are bored. There is nothing refreshing about the film. There is no story. You know it is going to be one cliched joke about marriage after another. It is like those arranged marriages where the husband and wife have nothing in common, and things just become routine. Here the audience is drawn into the ordinary, with the exception of Farhan, who at least tries to make it a little interesting (almost)!

2) Irritation:  If you thought Vidya Balan could never be irritating, well wake up and smell the burnt coffee! She plays the nagging wife to perfection and just nags the shit out of you. And who the hell is the casting director here? From the first irrational scene itself you start shaking your head in disbelief looking at this odd couple. It's like Reema Lagoo is cast opposite Aftab Shivdasani! Try sleeping with that picture in mind...   

3) Excessive Hunger: Well, after playing with your thumbs for 15 minutes and then biting your nails off in the next 15, you start feeling hungry. And then you see Ram Kapoor. Why should he have all the food, you ask yourself! Burgers, Popcorn, Sandwiches, Chaat etc etc.. Your mind wanders. Farhan Akhtar makes one more smart ass comment, but you don't really care. What's cooking at home, you wonder.

4) Headache: The music is atrocious, the dancing - ridiculous and then enters Vir Das. He takes the movie to an entirely different level of absurdity. His character is so cliched, and his interactions with Akhtar's character are so amateurishly written and executed that you wonder if the director's name was 'Suck-It'.

5) Nausea: Well, the film kinda catches you off-guard and it does lead to some unprotected mind-f#&k! And then you don't need a pregnancy strip to tell you that you are knocked up. With so much shit on the screen and so much excessive eating off it, who would blame you for feeling puke-ish? One thing the film does manage to successfully do, is make you experience the excruciating pains of labor!

6) Deep Pain in the Arse: Your entire bum goes numb with the constant pounding! Yeah, this is that kind of a marriage... The long '2 and half hour' length does not help either. It feels like one relentless nightmare and you wish it would end sooner. But no. It goes on and on and on, like a Hobo on Viagra and Musli Power Xtra. And just when you think it's going to end, it's interval! Damn it !!!!
 
Well, I could go on and on( like the film), but then I don't remember half of it because of the permanent brain damage! I am proud that I am a survivor and I really hope you never have to suffer the way I did. Please stay miles away from this marriage, you are better off single. This film is totally atyachari, and you wish you could say "Talaak Talaak Talaak" and end your misery!

Rating: 3/10
Seriously, one of the most irritating films I have ever seen in a theater. And I am especially harsh on it becoz it has 2 quality actors... You expect much much much better from them.