2 weeks, 2 brave actresses, 2 female oriented stories, 2 movies about a journey. While 1 was a pleasant surprise, the other gave me Travel sickness. Let’s compare them on the same scale to see which one came up trumps.

Story:

While Queen is a simple story about finding oneself, Highway is practically a “let’s do it as it comes” story of finding oneself.

Queen’s story is predictable, but there is an inherent honesty to it. Rani (Kangana), after being ditched by her to-be husband a day before the wedding, goes on her scheduled honeymoon and discovers herself with the help of some friends she makes along the way. While there is nothing too amazing about the story, it’s the simplicity and the little moments created by Vikas Bahl, that make it worthwhile.

Highway is deliberately meandering and complicated. Veera (Alia) is kidnapped by Hooda and they keep going from one place to the other, pointlessly. The protagonist justifies this by repeatedly saying things like “I don’t know why I am laughing. I don’t know why I like this. I don’t know why I didn’t run away. I don’t know why, but I don’t want this journey to end.” Imtiaz takes an Imtihaan of your patience and you start wondering why this film was made.

Music:

Queen has a bunch of refreshing songs by Amit Trivedi. Be it the uplifting feel of Kinaare or the thumkedaar London Thumkda, Trivedi is in top form. The songs compliment the film beautifully. 

Highway’s music, on the other hand, feels like another A.R.Rehman recycle job. Though Rehman provides a beautiful background score, only Patakha Guddi meets the mark.

Performances:

Queen is powered by the unpredictable Kangana. Though she struggles in the first couple of scenes (especially the Coffee Shop breakup scene), her performance keeps getting stronger as the movie progresses. Ofcourse, it is not necessarily the order in which they shot, but it just seems that she comes into her own in the foreign sequences. Maybe we get used to her gradually. Be it her well-mannered behavior with everyone or her unabashedly awkward dance in the night club, Kangana is spectacular. Rajkumar Rao is solid in his smallish role, but the others are just about ok. You are actually so enamored by the sweet little film, that you ignore stuff like the terrible acting of Lisa Haydon and company.  

Highway has overall a much better ensemble cast. Everyone in this film plays his/her part decently well. The big surprise comes in the form of Alia Bhatt, who displays quiet a wide range of emotions; far from the bimbo she was made out to be in “Student of the Year”. Imtiaz tests her with several long shots that are focused just on her face and Alia comes up trumps most of the times. She seems like a natural, hope she keeps up the good work. Randeep seems to be in familiar zone and displays angst really well. In the absence of a script, Imtiaz depend heavily on Alia and Randeep, and they don’t disappoint.

Technical Aspects:

While Vikas Bahl seems to have quite a competent team at his disposal, Imtiaz seems to have the masters. Queen’s cinematography is good but Highway’s is just spectacular. Anil Mehta captures India in all its glory and captivates you along the way. Even the editing, production value of Highway just feel a bit better. As a finished product Highway is top notch, but as a film Queen wins hands down. The sum of the parts in Queen is much more than the whole.

Final Verdict:

Highway is Imtiaz’s keeda. It’s that experiment you do as a director when you want to go to international awards. What Imtiaz forgets is most good films have a good script and his film uses the “Stockholm Syndrome” so poorly that it is rather embarrassing. It’s also extremely frustrating to sit through a film that you know is pieced together on the editing table rather than the writer’s desk. While it is essentially an exercise in pointlessness, you do appreciate some of the finer aspects of film-making along the way.

Queen on the other hand is a simple script, made with good intentions and an overall sincere effort. It does not go over-board either in grief or in comedy. There is neither any melodrama when the wedding is called off nor any browbeating when the protagonist gains her confidence. Everything is measured and the after taste is sweet. The dialogues are fun and the movie is peppered with some deliciously good scenes. No matter how hard you try to be objective, you do leave the theater with a grin.

So yeah, if you had to choose between the two, leave the road and go for Royalty.

Rating:

Highway: 4.5/10        |           Queen: 6.5/10

I have been married for 6 years now. And I must tell you the actual thing has not given me as many side effects as '2 and half hours' of this film! With this film, producer Pritish Nandy is trying hard to replicate the success of "Pyaar Ke Side Effects" - the sleeper hit of 2006, but all he manages to do is give you a hajaar side effects. Here are only a few of them:

1) Depression: 15 minutes into the film you are bored. There is nothing refreshing about the film. There is no story. You know it is going to be one cliched joke about marriage after another. It is like those arranged marriages where the husband and wife have nothing in common, and things just become routine. Here the audience is drawn into the ordinary, with the exception of Farhan, who at least tries to make it a little interesting (almost)!

2) Irritation:  If you thought Vidya Balan could never be irritating, well wake up and smell the burnt coffee! She plays the nagging wife to perfection and just nags the shit out of you. And who the hell is the casting director here? From the first irrational scene itself you start shaking your head in disbelief looking at this odd couple. It's like Reema Lagoo is cast opposite Aftab Shivdasani! Try sleeping with that picture in mind...   

3) Excessive Hunger: Well, after playing with your thumbs for 15 minutes and then biting your nails off in the next 15, you start feeling hungry. And then you see Ram Kapoor. Why should he have all the food, you ask yourself! Burgers, Popcorn, Sandwiches, Chaat etc etc.. Your mind wanders. Farhan Akhtar makes one more smart ass comment, but you don't really care. What's cooking at home, you wonder.

4) Headache: The music is atrocious, the dancing - ridiculous and then enters Vir Das. He takes the movie to an entirely different level of absurdity. His character is so cliched, and his interactions with Akhtar's character are so amateurishly written and executed that you wonder if the director's name was 'Suck-It'.

5) Nausea: Well, the film kinda catches you off-guard and it does lead to some unprotected mind-f#&k! And then you don't need a pregnancy strip to tell you that you are knocked up. With so much shit on the screen and so much excessive eating off it, who would blame you for feeling puke-ish? One thing the film does manage to successfully do, is make you experience the excruciating pains of labor!

6) Deep Pain in the Arse: Your entire bum goes numb with the constant pounding! Yeah, this is that kind of a marriage... The long '2 and half hour' length does not help either. It feels like one relentless nightmare and you wish it would end sooner. But no. It goes on and on and on, like a Hobo on Viagra and Musli Power Xtra. And just when you think it's going to end, it's interval! Damn it !!!!
 
Well, I could go on and on( like the film), but then I don't remember half of it because of the permanent brain damage! I am proud that I am a survivor and I really hope you never have to suffer the way I did. Please stay miles away from this marriage, you are better off single. This film is totally atyachari, and you wish you could say "Talaak Talaak Talaak" and end your misery!

Rating: 3/10
Seriously, one of the most irritating films I have ever seen in a theater. And I am especially harsh on it becoz it has 2 quality actors... You expect much much much better from them.

There are 2 Parineetis in this film. Figuratively speaking. One is an eye-batting, crazy damsel and the other one is a complicated, jilted young girl. The film is pretty much the same. At times it’s cucking frazy and at times it’s bucking foring!

So, this is a love story of 2 perfect loonies – Nikhil (Sid Malhotra) and Meeta (Pari Chop). The guy is conventional and wants to play it safe, while the girl is wacky and always crazy. Now, Sid is supposed to marry Meeta’s sis Karishma. When Meeta drops in for the wedding, things get complicated and “not entirely surprisingly” Sid falls for Meeta. Though this is a completely ordinary rom-com, the packaging makes it rather unconventional.

Director Vinit Mathew, with writer Hashvardhan Kulkarni, creates characters that are unique, funny and endearing. The plot revolves around a wedding and hence we see a menagerie of characters; a muscular small-town cousin who wishes to be Indian idol, an irritating uncle who keeps asking the same question again and again, an aunty who wants to make full use of the trip and sight-see, etc etc.

But what’s most refreshing is that the heroine is the looniest of them all. She is a nut-job scientist, who does research in China and was once a drug addict. She is not your run-of-the-mill heroine; in fact, she neither looks nor behaves like any heroine you would have ever seen. Ever seen a heroine piss in her dress and admit to it? Well, that’s how unconventional she gets! The Hero is a loser through and through, but has a good heart on him.

Apart from the characters, the director does well to create a bunch of absolutely laugh-out-loud scenes and holds his own in the emotional ones too. But the screenplay is a bit patchy, the pacing sluggish and there isn’t much meat in the first half to keep you fully awake. Even the music by Vishal-Shekhar is third rate! They have turned into utterly conventional music directors and this seems like a rush job.

Sidharth Malhotra does a decent job and has a pleasant screen-presence, but clearly has miles to go in terms of performance. Manoj Joshi gives a soul stirring performance as Meeta’s father, but ultimately it’s Parineeti who captivates you with her brilliance. Be it her hyper active, tooth-paste guzzling avatar or her silent, intelligent and angst ridden one, she hits every note almost perfectly. You laugh when she bats her eyelid and shed a silent tear when she is bawling like a baby. This girl is going from strength to strength and she is definitely the one to watch out for in the coming future.

This is the first decent release of 2014 and with “Shaadi Ke Side Effects” + “Queen” coming up, it sets a good enough bar to beat.  So, should you watch the movie? Well, if you like Parineeti you absolutely cannot miss it. In fact, it’s quiet a decent watch if you disregard the boredom of the first half .. Toh, Thoda Hasso, Thoda Phaso.

Rating: 6/10

Do Like if you Liked this Review and Comment if you agree/disagree with my views. Would love to hear from you!

 "Chivda, Dhokla, Fafda, Samosay... Abb toh meri zindagi hai Raam Bharosey...." (or something to that defect !!! ) repeats Leela in a Sexual Transe, not even 24 hours after her pants caught fire looking at our metorsexual, clean shaven, bust shaking hero. The Hero, Ram, in turn thrusts his pelvis into the hot sand of the Rann, as he smses cheezy stuff to Leela and fakes climactic moans. You understand this from a man who runs a Porno Theater, but are rather flummoxed by the outrageously lascivious, infact lewd behaviour of a sexually repressed Leela who rather desperately tries to consummate her fake wedding but fails and then takes her life in the end saying "meri kisine nahi li!!!"  (or something to that effect... ) Yeah, she dies and it's not a surprise .. this is RAMeo and JuLEELAyet again.    

This my friends is not R-rated content. Infact it's not even A-Rated and children in the theater look on as they see Deepika dive into a deep, unabashed lip lock with Ranveer(time and time again); they look on as lecherous men watch Nangi filmey on a TV; they look on as Priyanka Chopra buttons her unbuttoned choli in an item number and they look on as there are attempted rapes on screen. And most unfortunately, they look on as Ranveer emotes like his gonads have been clipped a second ago. You wonder what intellectual masturbation the Censor board must have done before giving this film a U/A ceritificate! And then you wonder how Sanjay Horny Bhansali should consider marrying asap, looking at his level of desperation.

This my friends is not a movie. This is Sanjay's erotic dream, laden with violence and cheap sms jokes. This is everything he never did and never could. This is him trying hard to stay hard. It could well have been named "Choliyon ki Traas-leela, KAMA-leela" 

What's the story? Well, as I said this is another attempt to turn Willian Shakespeare in his grave. It's yet another attempt at killing the eternal love tale - Romeo Julliet. 2 tribes living as far as a Big-Door away hate each other's guts. They piss on each other's property and then play shoot-the-f@ck-up with each other's heads. But Ram is of a different breed. He hates violence. He hates dictatorship, and loves dick-take-her-ship. So he shows off his 100 pack kamariya and lays every dame in his clan. Finally his desperation takes him to his Rival camp on Holi-day where he spots a virgin. The first time his water pistol ejaculates spurts of water, you know what is to come! They fall in love, elope, try to copulate, are unfortunately c@ck-blocked, dragged back home and forced to become the Dons of their respective clans. 

Though you know what and who is coming , nothing can prepare you for the ham (and sausage) fest.  The sets are grandiose and vibrant, every frame is like a painting and the scale has SLB written all over it. But that's about it. It seems like SLB is trying to be both Vishal Bharadwaj and Anurag Kashyup at a time. The dialogues are downright gross and the choreography (though classy sometimes) is essentially crass. The songs sound like the B-Grade versions of Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. You try hard not to be repulsed by the proceedings, but Sanjay seems adamant to shove his erection on your face. (Yeah, isn't that repulsive!!!) 

The only saving grace is "Supriya Pathak Shah" who plays Ba with aplomb. No matter how hard Sanjay tries ( Literally and figuratively) to debase her character, she still comes out of this shit unscathed; imagine her sending a dead peacock (no, not pee-cock.. peacock, the bird) to Ram and saying "Our dushmani is no More!!!". Yes, that lame. 

Deepika looks like a million bucks and convincingly plays the dame who craves for a solitary f@ck ( while you try not to give one!). Ranveer - well, let's say he suffers performance anxiety and misfires rather horribly. Infact he fingers your patience so much that you are ready to burst out of the theater at any given moment. And when you eventually do, you wonder why couldn't have the film climaxed sooner. 

For those who have seen the film - CUMmiserations... and for those who haven't - Stay Protected. This film will give you a pain deep in your unmentionables and make you turn in your seat like Sir William turns in his grave. Please stay home and satisfy yourself in any other way pussible. Coz Sanjay literally tries to gang-bang your mind all by himself ( Director/Producer/Screeplay writer/Music Director/Editor) Seriously... Tum Mind Kho Chuke Sanjay...

Rating: 3/10
( For the Art Director, Cinematographer and Editor)

For years YRF have made the same movie again and again. Recently, they started making some unusual stories based in unusual locations. But sadly, they have turned even that into a formula. So, the hero and heroine are spunky characters based in some city based "North of Mumbai". They meet under unusual circumstances, then hit it off. There is always one older guy in between who provides the ethnic touch and the comedy flavours. Then something weird happens and problems arise midway. Interval. Then the characters start anew, but keep feeling a void. But after 2 to 3 comedy interludes, they meet again to realise they were meant to be. And they live happily ever after. By now you may have realised that there is nothing new in this, just that the setting is unusual.

Also, YRF almost invariably wants to take away the PIONEER tag while distributing (marketing) a film. First ones to talk about GAY issues - Dostana, first ones to talk about relationships outside marriage - Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, first ones to talk about Live in relationships and pregnancy outside marriage - Salaam Namaste! I guess they thought after 8 years, let's just reuse the marketing tactic of saying "Live In relationships are not a taboo. Sex outside marriage is not a taboo". Ok, alright. We know you have the finger on the pulse of the Youth. You don't have to shout it out from rooftops!

The one good thing they have done is invest in a star writer like Jaideep Sahni. After brilliant scripts like Khosla ka Ghosla, Chak De! India and Rocket Singh:Salesman of the year, Jaideep himself has fallen into the YRF Trap. It seems this film was preordered. Make it in a new state, make it feel ethnic, make it bold. So the movie starts off by showing the love affairs of Jaipur. Then the familiar Band Bajaa Baraat routine begins. Wedding. Sushant Singh -- a bhaade ka baraati, is getting married(arranged) and needs bhaade ke baraati. Enter Parineeti, who becomes his fake sister. Smooch. They hit it off during the trip and well, their love story begins. Sushant wags his tail. They start living in. 15-20 smooches later, they decide to get married. Roadblock. Parineeti disappears. Another wedding. Enter Heroine no.2, Vaani Kapoor. Sushant wags his tail. Smooch. Boom. Yet another wedding. All 3 meet. Explosion. Audience dead. Smooch, smooch. The end.

So why are critics going ga-ga about it? Really have no idea. But there are some excellent scenes in the film. The first half is brisk and ends with a bang. Parineeti and Sushant Singh have an endearing presence. Manu Anand, the cinematographer captures the colours of Jaipur beautifully and Sachin-Jigar's compositions, though repetitive, add life to the movie.   

Now the problems and there are several. First and foremost, watching it is like sitting on a Ferrous Wheel. You see the same things happen again and again and again. It's like watching "Source Code". Now, though the relationship between Sushant and Parineeti is bold, has a fresh outlook and has countless smooches, there is no chemistry between them. I can understand the Carnal aspect of the relationship, but when towards the end they think it's actually eternal love (meant-to-be kinda stuff) you want to wring their necks. When the characters themselves have to explain to the audience why they take certain decisions, you know that the film is not connecting with anyone. So, Parineeti explains us why she lives in with Sushant and Vaani has to explain why towards the end she doesn't feel anything for Sushant etc etc. Sushant by the way is a vagrant loner with no background, no future and its inexplicable why anyone would get their daughters married to him, let alone have a serious relationship with him.

Rishi Kapoor plays the agony uncle, fattie who is always eating. Even he falters with his accent sometimes and it's rare to see him falter! Sushant Singh is adorable for a few minutes and then becomes gnawingly irritating in the second half. He plays the confused hero who isn't ready to commit, but you know that he is the flirty, horny  guy who wants just one thing. Parineeti nahi, toh Vaani sahi. Though there is nothing wrong in that, the problem is that the director tries to show him as a confused soul with a good heart. F@ck that, he is more cruel than Ricky Behl if you ask me, but here the heroines don't really mind. And finally, YRF seems to have created a Heroine cloning machine. So Vaani Kapoor seems like yet another version of an Anushka Sharma/Parineeti Chopra. All these heroines talk in the same way, their head moments are annoyingly similar and even the air blows their hair in a similar manner.    

So go ahead, watch this film for its supposedly bold outlook and ethnic flavour. Frankly setting a story in Jaipur, doesn't make it a small town film nor does it make the protagonists more likeable. I was bored out of my wits by the end of this seemingly endless film. Chumma chaati toh theek hai, iss film ne Dimaag chaat liya !

Rating: 4/10


P.S: Do comment to let me know your views about the film.   Or CLICK HERE to go back to all reviews page!

Happy Diwali to all of you. Atleast to the ones who haven't seen this movie. But then I think this is like the first scratch on your brand new car... Now, you are ready to face the world ( the new year) fearlessly... coz now it's  scarred... and I can fearlessly say that so is my bum.

Let me begin by saying that I was waiting for this film. Yash Chopra's last film, with such an ironic title. It was like in the films - unreal. And I had to see it. Though I am not a big Yashji fan, I do like some of his films - Iteffaq, Deewaar, Trishul, Mashaal, Vijay and Darr. And I liked these films, because they had an engaging storylines and good screenplay.

But unfortunately, Yashji's latest offering doesn't have them both. It seems as if Yashji was suffering from the same affliction the hero has in the film "Retrograde Amnesia" - because he was stuck in the 70s. So you still have a hero strumming guitar on the road (without a care in world of how to hold one), you still have heroins running around on London bridges and Kashmiri lawns, you still have scenes which defy all logic ( London police allow an Indian visitor to defuse a bomb on the train!!!) and you have a thread-bare script.

Shot Story in Short: It is about a man in London who falls in love, but it remains unfulfilled, as the woman takes a pledge with god. Then he joins the army, meets a journalist and is brought back to London in the most hackneyed and melodramatically idiotic way. And man, woman meet to live happily ever after.

I wanted this review to be entertaining, so I invited Gulzarji to write a poem based on my MAAN-SICK STITHI.... Arz karta hun...

For A.R.Rehman :
Teri nagmein jo dilaati hain solid jhapkiyaan,
Tere background music ki irritating gustaakhiyaan,
Meri woh theater main anginat angdaaiyaan,
Nahi bhoolunga main,
Jab tak hai Kaan, Jab tak hai Kaan...

For Yashji :
Main haath se haath ko jodkar,
aapki aatma ki shaanti maangkar,
badi namrataa se karta hun sweekaar,
ki mujhe nazar naa aayi apke picture ki story,
buss dikhe bridge aur bagaan, bridge aur bagaan...

For SRK :
Tum sudhrogay nahi "Ham" karogay har dumm,
Bhale ho bhikaari, yaa defuse kar rahe ho bumm,
Kabhi toh character pe dhyaan karo zaalim,
kab tak bane rahogay,
wohi Shah Rukh Khan, wohi Shah Rukh Khan...

For the Heroins :
Tum dikhne main beshak haseen ho,
par Katrina tum acting naamak gunn se ho anjaan,
Thodi Anushka se le lo gyaan,
kyonki hameesha nahi rahogi,
tum aise jawaan... tum aise jawaan...

For the movie :
Diwali ka mere hai band bajaayaa,
Saade 3 ghante ka bhurtaa banaayaa,
Kya thoda bhi tumhe nahi taras aaya?
kiya poore audience ko,
hairaan aur pareshaan.... hairaan aur pareshaan...

For you :
Maine toh bataa di apni manodashaa,
Abb tumhe hi karna hai aakhri faisla,
meri toh thukk chuki hai achche se,
bachaalo apni apni Gaa#d,
Jab tak hai Jaan, Jab tak hai Jaan...

The movie is over. But the scars remain. And they will remain for a long long time, I hope not "Jab tak hai Jaan, Jab Tak hai Jaan!!!"

Rating: 3/10
Last Diwali I reviewed Ra-One and got 123 Likes!!! Thanks for all your support guys. Do  continue spreading the word. May you have a great year ahead :)  

Ek Tha Logic....

Ek Tha Story.....

Ek Tha Chemistry....

Tha.... The operative word.....Tha.....Hai nahi.... Tha....They are extinct now...

Every EID Salman gives us a chance to go into the theater and hoot the hell out of our system... This EID he has decided to make us snore. .. and how ! " Ek tha Tiger " - the name portends extinction and why not? If Tigers would have seen this film, they would definitely be extinct!

For a film based on the 2 intelligence agencies in the neighbouring countries, it sure lacks intelligence! And that's a little unexpected from Kabir Khan. Surprisingly, it lacks the madness of Salman Khan films too. It's neither entertaining nor sensible... it's unadulterated boredom. Especially the first half. If you survive it, you might find the 2nd half a little better. Simply because the 2nd half gives your jaw a break from the continuous yawning caused by the first. 

ETT is essentially a love story..... or so they say. The lead actors have no chemistry at all and are so cold towards each other that even Ranvir Shorey seems to have better chemistry with his beard!!! Salman looks bored as hell and Katrina seems to be doing the film to pay some "pichle janam ka karz ".

The songs are insipid and the lack of story is startling. The director cuts into slow motion shots whenever he wants to lengthen the scene. And don't ask me about logic please... Logic has given up on Salman a decade ago....    The saving graces are the locations and a couple of action sequences. Salman and Katrina seem to be having most fun during the action scenes and the second half becomes bearable due to them.

In the age, where a film is declared a HIT on the first day, this is surely a Blockbuster. But there is no doubt about it.. This Tiger will be extinct soon.. Because this Tiger is looking old and haggard... At best a circus tiger, jumping and pumping at the whip.... So don't even think about going for this film.. You might as well burn 500 bucks...  Coz if you see the film, people might have to apply EK THA before your name too!

Should definitely have been called " Boring Tiger, Hidden Logic "!

Rating: 3 / 10   ( For a couple of high class Action scenes )