Very early in the film, Salman is fixing a radio with his son, somewhere in Austria. He works his magic and the radio catches All India Radio – Amritsar… in Austria… on a radio…not the internet…on a radio… And that sets the tone for the film. Towards the end, he walks bare-chested and bare-nosed in Highly Toxic Gas and still remains zinda. No one knows how and why. They just whistle. Maybe he practiced his survival tactics on the roads of Delhi, without a mask! Maybe…You just don’t know. All you know is that Tiger is alive and kicking, and he's feeding you a big dose of hogwash!
So, Tiger and Cat-rina are hiding from their respective agencies and living happily with their Cub. After Tiger fights off a bunch of wolves (actual wolves) without killing them ( ofcourse, they are wolves, not black bucks), he is pulled back into action when a bunch of terror breeding hyenas (actually, men) kidnap some Americans and hold some Indian/Pak Nurses hostage at a hospital. The American administrators bark like rabid dogs and threaten to bomb the hospital. The only way to save the lambs from becoming biryani is to set the Tiger loose on the hyenas.
Ofcourse, Cat needs to Purr as well. And so starts a menagerie of sequences that defy gravity and logic. While Cat displays her cat-alogue of Martial Art Moves, Tiger displays his pecks. They infiltrate the pack of hyenas without raising a stink, even though every move they make is fishy and manage to remain bullish even when the chips are down. Afterall, Tiger Zinda hai. And after an elephantine period of time (2 hours and 50 mins), loads of horseplay and 15 utterances of the phrase ‘Tiger Zinda Hai’, Tiger blasts the living daylights out of the Hyenas with a machine gun and saves the Lambs urf Nurses. Then he goes back to living his Henpecked life!
While Abbas Ali Zafar has the capacity to write good stuff, it is apparent that he wants to make a hardworking Sallu film. So we have Slow Motion entries, whistle-inducing action sequences and a paper thin plot. Everything just falls into place for the protagonist. And ofcourse, Abbas has to add the crowd pleasing elements like – woman empowerment (a character actually points it out so that no one misses it – this is woman empowerment, she says!). Add in a bit of India-Pakistan bhai chaara, and you have a message as well ( Aman ki Asha).
Yep, Abbas embraces Sallu’s animal instinct of being human with aplomb and creates a movie fit for monkeys! And because he does that, you have a film with extra long action sequences, useless jokes involving tu tu tu tu tu tara ( don’t even ask) and a running time that is an hour too long! While the screenplay is slick, the editing delightful, action choreography sound and background score purposeful, it just has too many ebbs and flows - specially ebbs.
So, get ready for Sallu the Santa to reindeer in the Box Office Christmas Cheer. But then do not expect a nuanced action film with a dash of logic. Yes, there are some decent performances, but the usual action film tropes come in as thick and fast as animal references in this review ( can you count how many?). Go with a lot of patience and no brains at all. Coz, Tiger Zinda hai… but logic kuttey ki maut marr gaya!
Rating: 1.5 / 5 - Technically it is well made film... but please no 3quel, let Bhai-gones be Bhai-gones....
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When I think of Godzilla, I remember the good old days of Giant Robot. I imagine a monster destroying buildings and Giant Robot saving the day. Not much has changed in 20 years, except today it is in 3D and is 30 times as expensive to watch. While the 1998 version, by the baap of disaster films (both literally and figuratively) Ronald Emmerich, was mildly amusing, this one is purely boring.
Gareth Edwards, the director, creates some epic monsters and moments, but fails in the most basic of things. The script is as old as the concept of Godzilla. The screenplay ebbs from monstrous highs to abysmal lows, leaving you shifting in your seats. After a few views, even the monsters look boring.
The movie begins with tragedy. Bryan Cranston, of Breaking Bad fame, loses his wife to a disaster in the nuclear plant he works in. 15 years later, he still believes that it was a massive cover-up and the accident was not caused due to a natural disaster. By then his son (Aaron Taylor Johnson) has his own family and is a lieutenant. His wife is a nurse ( How original!). Then begins an unbelievably long chain of coincidences, with Aaron at the epicenter of every monster sighting in the world. When the monster first awakes, he is there. When the monster reappears in Hawai, he is there. The monster even swims all the way to San Fransico from Hawai, where quiet coincidentally Aaron’s family lives. It almost seems like the monsters are more attracted to him, than the radio-active shit that the scientists believe they are. Lest I forget, I must mention that this film has more than 1 monster. Infact, there are 3, 2 bad ones and 1 hero – the savior of humanity – Godzilla.
The problem with all these Disaster films is that they are extremely formulaic. There is always a family angle, there is a hero who is the epicenter of everything that is happening. He does the most inane things possible, but still survives ( not so surprisingly). There is the Golden Gate Bridge with the mandatory kids in a bus. There are millions of American soldiers, with heavy artillery, saving the world. There is a team sitting in the control room helplessly biting their nails. And then there is the WOHOO saved the world moment after which the Hero finally runs and kisses his wife/GF/etc).
Now the problem with this specific film is that apart from all the clichés, the pacing of the film is horrendously bad, there are not many edge of the seat moments and you remain detached almost throughout. Ken Watanbe simply broods like Alok Nath and seems as helpless as Rahul Gandhi in the elections. His eyebrows are the only thing that act throughout the film. Aaron Taylor Johnson lacks the hero appeal and Bryan Cranston is killed off pretty early. Even the sound design is not as epic as Del Toro’s summer blockbuster – Pacific Rim.
The summer is just getting worse. From Amazing Spiderman to this. If you really want to see this, I suggest lower your expectations. That way you might not be monstrously bored. Godzilla truly is a disaster film disaster.
PS: On Friday, as this Godzilla entered the theaters, another Godzilla entered our Parliament. Let’s hope that king of monsters performs much better than this one.
You know that feeling when you have been tricked very badly and you would rather laugh because it's too embarrassing to cry? That is exactly how I feel right now. It's not often that I have a feeling of helplessness after watching Hindi films. But what do you do when your icon, the one you consider the beacon of hope, pulls a fast one on you? I could tolerate a sub standard Talaash, but this? Such an expensive joke? So I decided to go interview Aamir Khan himself.
He was in an unusually chirpy mood. "100 Crores in 3 Days", he said and started laughing uncontrollably. The bowler hat fell off his head in slow motion and did not touch the ground before I had taken 3 laps of his living room! It finally fell with a slight dhoom and Aamir put on his GAME FACE for the interview.
Me: Why Aamir? Why? I asked with a slight stutter.
Aamir: Bande hai hum uske, humpe kiska zor...
Me: Umeedon se zyaada, tumne humein kiya bore.
Aamir: Hahahaha!! Chill yaar. Maskhara, Mazaakiya role tha, with flying bikes and slow motion action. You ask why? I say why not? I am almost 50 now. If not now, when?
Me: But we expect a certain kind of cinema from you. Good Cinema, Good Acting. The last thing we expect is a toilet flush of a movie from the YRF stable!
Aamir: Why? Why should I bear the burden of good cinema all the time, while others laugh their butts off to the bank? Devgan fights his way to 100 Crore, Salman goes shirtless for 200 Crore, SRK hams his way to 300 Crore, then why shouldn't I have some fun for a change? Why should the onus of good cinema lie with me? I also wanna play a bad guy, I also want to fight, remove my shirt, ham.
Me: But all in one film? You could have taken it slow!
Aamir: Aah, my boy... life is short (like me!!). And when was I going to get another opportunity to have fun while YRF pays for it? I rode nice bikes, wore awesome clothes ( barring that ridiculous bowler hat!), did extra slow motion action sequences, shot in exotic locales, smooched Katrina - what else would an old man want?
Me: Ok. But you were there on the set. You saw the script. How did you even agree to such a ridiculous script? So many gaping holes, such lethargic pacing? What were you thinking?
Aamir: The problem is, you guys think I always think. No. Sometimes I just don't. I read the script. Spoke to Salman. He said karle yaar, YOLO. I said Chalo! I thought if there are gaping hole in the scripts, I will ride my bike through it.
Me: But some logic? First of all, the central trick was blatantly ripped off from "The Prestige" and then the bank robberies were so bloody lame! Nobody knows how the hell did you manage to get into a bank and all we were shown is you running off in a Bike that tranforms into a boat! I mean, come on! Kuch Bhi ka limit hota hai! And then the hajaar Slow mo shots. If you had not wasted so much time in it, the film would have been atleast half an hour shorter.
Aamir: Cool it man. Have some water. You seem to have gone full retard (like me in the film)! Ok, see Nolan has been good to me. Remember Ghajini? The first 100 Crore film, was copied from Nolan's Memento. Well, I had to have another one. My last 100 Crore film was in 2009. What better way than to dumb down another Nolan classic? And Dhoom was never about intellectual stimulation. If you thought that the Dhoom franchise was more like "The Italian Job" rather than the intended "Fast and Furious", then that's your problem!
Me: Oh! come on. The action here was just arduously long and boring. You think the Chicago PD is so useless that they have to get a bunch of fail cops to fly down from India? Specially such bad acting cops? I mean, that expression has been on Abhishek Bachchan's face for like 15 years now. Someone should give him a Guinness Record for the "Longest Long Face" already!
Aamir: That was a deliberate ploy my friend. Check this tweet
"Priyam Sharma @Bunnyisback94: By showing that US police needed help of Uday Chopra to catch Aamir Khan in #Dhoom3, India has humiliated US more than US humiliated Devyani"
See. We have taken sweet revenge!
And about that face. Did you check out mine? I actually didn't shit for 4 weeks for that expression to come on my face! Perfection you see...
Me: Talk about preparation! Coming back to the film, what about the music? Such ridiculous music.
Aamir: You think we didn't know that? Why do you think Katrina is shedding clothes like that in every song? The songs are for the eyes. Not the ears. Get it?
Me: Well, that I kinda agree to. That Kamli song is phenomenal man. Kya naachi hai Katrina! Should have played that song 3 times. Paisa vasool! But why give her just 4 dialogues in the movie?
Aamir: Oh! Have you seen her act?
Me: Well, I agree to that one too. Anyway. Should I be worried? Should I rename you HAMmir KHAN?
Aamir: That depends. Now that I have had some BOY FUN, I think I am over my mid-life crisis. But you never know. Vidushak banne main mazaa toh bahut hai.
Me: But audience ke pichwaade ko sazaa bahut hai!
The final verdict?
Here's the thing, being an Aamir fan, I can only caution you that this is a ridiculous bad film. But there is some fun watching Aamir have fun for a change. Though he goes full retard and tap dances like he has bricks in his boots, he just powers you through the 170 minutes with his presence. While you might just feel bad or bored or cheated, you will still think about his performance back home. It is certainly not one of his best, but has some sparks of brilliance.
I know I have kinda tried to defend his decision to work in this film, but that is simply because I want to believe that that could be the only sane reason for him to do it. It's for my own peace of mind.
Watch it with friends who can hoot, if you have to! Else, flush it in the toilet like most YRF films. Oh! by the way, you know who the director is right? He made Tashan.
Rating: 4/10 ( +1 for the kid who plays young Aamir - amazing talent)
Do LIKE if you agree and COMMENT if you think I have been too lenient!
I HAVE WRITTEN THIS REVIEW FOR : LIVE IN STYLE . ( Don't mind the structure. It is for that blog only)
The original article is on --> http://www.liveinstyle.com/detail/star-speak/lis/movie-review-gravity-out-of-this-world-597
The Plot :
2 astronauts are left floating in space when debris comes hurtling towards them and destroys both the satellite they are repairing and the space craft they had come in. Now, they have to make their way back to earth. Their only chance is to reach their space station and use the escape pod. Will they make it back or will they float away into oblivion? That's what the movie is about.
The Pluses :
This movie is all about the pluses. Make no mistake, this is a LANDMARK film. It's the kind of film that takes cinematic experience to the next level. Years later, people will talk about this film when they talk about experiential film making. It's not 3-D, it actually sucks you into the movie, you are a character in it and you float along. Though Sandra Bullock's compelling performance keeps you glued to the proceedings, it's actually the screenplay and the vision of the director that keep you on the edge of your seat. It's not about the story, because this is space adventure like never before. The father son duo of Alfonso and Jonas Cuaron envision this spectacle, and then Alfonso, with his brilliant cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki, brings it to life with aplomb. The background score by Steven Price is riveting and special kudos to the entire team that make this astronomical adventure breathtakingly beautiful.
The Popcorn worthiness :
Now, some would say the movie meanders a bit, but I disagree. The opening shot is that of earth from miles above and you slowly see an astronaut space-walking towards you. The director doesn't add any background masala to the film, he directly plunges you into space. So he gives you some time to acclimatize. Even the radio sound is from far away, and only becomes clearer as Clooney gets closer. This is because the director wants you to be a part of the film. You are the imaginary character floating in space, watching the story unwind. So there are prolonged spaces of nothingness. You see the earth looking resplendent at various times of the day, a site that takes your breath away. But things change in a fraction of a second. One minute you are peacefully floating in space and the next, you are hurtling, spinning into oblivion, trying to hold on to one piece of the satellite so you aren't lost forever. Yes, there are several "KUCH BHI" moments but then life gives you bigger WTF moments than any film can, isn't it?
Watch this film and watch it in IMAX 3D. Otherwise, you won't realize the gravity of its greatness. If Avatar set a benchmark for vision and scale, this one breaks the benchmark by a distance. This is a space adventure that's simply OUT OF THIS WORLD!
P.S: The rating is astronomical... but so is the experience...
Ok, if you are a terrorist or a wannabe, I must warn you that this film makes a mockery of your techniques and sticks to cliches. So, bring out those bombs and blow away a theater, showing this film, near you. Others, well, don't worry. There's nothing there to worry. Except ofcourse if you are impatient. Then, you might feel like you are scraping Caesium off old nuclear bombs and die a slow, painful death due to over-exposure!
Thankfully, I am neither a terrorist ( Ofcourse Chickens think otherwise!!) nor impatient ( Ofcourse my wife thinks otherwise!!!). Hence I quite enjoyed the film. There is a lot of thought and effort put in every frame.
The film technically is world class in most standards. Be it visually or in terms of the action, everything seems a cut above the standard Bollywood fare. Kamal Haasan has spent a lot of money on the film and it shows. Afsos, he doesn't spend too much time on the story and screenplay, and that shows too!
The plot, though hackneyed, is quite interesting. Simply because Hasaan unravels them slowly. He plays the effeminate dancer Vishwanath teaching bharat-natyam (kathak???) in the US. His wife is cheating on him, so hires a detective to find if Vishwanath cheats on her too. Fortuitously, she finds out that Vishwanath is actually Muslim. And, then begins a series of revelations rather stylishly but tediously. Conversations, threats, jokes, scenes are stretched. But strangely, it didn't bore me. Simply because either someone went over the top in terms of acting or Kamaal remained awesome. His depiction of the effeminate dancer is superb.
Anyhow, things are not like they seem and Vishwanath is actually someone else. But who? You keep trying to figure this out while he trains Mujahideens in Afghanistan, alongside Rahul Bose. Is he a good guy or a bad guy? The heroin asks him this and all he has to say is, he has many facets. He does a lot of good things, but also some questionable things, so you can never say. The first half is quite entertaining, but the second half is rather stretched. The Afghanistan bit where Kamaal tries to show you behind the scenes life of Terrorists goes on and on. Some scenes seem irrelevant and remain so. Also, the end is as Phuski as the attempted Nuclear bomb attack on NY.
So, should you watch this film? I would say, go for it. Because it does have a lot of good things. Technically its superb. The action scenes are extremely well done and are rather graphic. There is no unnecessary jingoism involved. The Indian angle is very subtly pushed in and never labels a country as a villain. And that makes it even harder to digest the Ban. It's amazing how we get away with labeling a whole Country (Pakistan) as terrorists, but have to face a ban when nothing like this is said. Infact, Rahul Bose is the face of terror here and at no point in religion brought into the picture. There are no dialogues denigrating Islam. Infact Rahul Bose questions himself if this is really what his God wants from him, when faced with a personal tragedy. If anything, Kamaal says absolutely nothing! He neither empathizes with them, nor shows them as inhuman. Its left to you to make a judgement call.
The music is forgettable, but S-E-L do redeem themselves in the background score. Rahul Bose is kinda OK as the scarfaced terrorist, Pooja "perky" Kumar plays the bimbo quite well and Shekhar Kapur makes an ordinary comeback. It's left to Haasan to shoulder the responsibility of the film and he does it with aplomb. If anything, you can watch it for him. And I say, you should watch it for the effort he has put into the film. And don't worry, you won't be offended, unless you are a terrorist. Coz quite frankly the terror plot, is really harebrained!
Rating : 6/10 ( looking forward to Part 2!!!)
If you liked the review, do LIKE to spread the word. Also, if you have seen the film, do comment and let me know what you thought about the movie.
3 years.... 3 years for Aamir to be back on screen... So you assume he must be really evaluating the script... Thriller has been one of the most ignored genres in India, he said... So you assume, that this one will take your breath away... You hope so... Coz, generally Aamir delivers what he promises... Generally.
Talaash is a script written by Reema Kagti and Zoya Akhtar.. They say, some 6 to 9 years ago... And it shows... Coz, you can see that it might have worked some years back, but now it just reminds you of some films in this genre... But the story remains true to the audience, never misleading just deceiving (unlike Kahaani – highly misleading screenplay)... The hope is to keep your engrossed till the end and probably, shock you if you are too naive to catch it... And in that regard, this movie works.
Now being an Aamir Khan fan, I can start saying that the acting is awesome, the screenplay is gripping, some exchanges are brilliant, cinematography (atmospherics) is cool, Ram Sampath’s music keeps the mood grim, but when it comes to thrillers, if the actual “Mystery” bit doesn’t have any meat, the movie fails.
A famous actor dies, and police start investigating, his innocuous yet mysterious death. The investigating officer, is recovering from the death of his son. So he carries his own set of issues, while he investigates the strange death. His wife is fighting depression too, but more than that trying to convince her husband that he needs more help. And then there is the whore, who leads the officer deeper into the web.
Now, when you watch an Aamir Khan film, you atleast expect the details to be correct. Instead, you get a supernatural angle with a neighbour that communicates with ghosts and police inspectors who do not do basic checks to catch a criminal. It’s sloppy stuff. Infact the case is so damn thakela, that even some CID episodes might have a more intricate one.
What is not thakela though is the acting. Be it Rani’s pleas or Nawazuddin’s dreams, the acting is consistently good. Aamir himself, proves that he is one superstar who does not believe that he is bigger than the film. Always understated, he carries the load of the film on his firm shoulders and boulder-like mooch. He dives into the role with full aplomb and surfaces triumphant. It’s only Kareena who seems a little out of place as the whore. Could have done with a less high profile heroine, who would suit the role.
So, is it entirely unwatchable? No... Infact it will keep you engaged. But it’s slow and requires your patience. And is it inception like Mind-bending stuff? Hell No, it’s more like a thriller made for the 5th standard children that is shown to a class full of graduates!
You can watch it more like a Drama, than a Thriller. Coz quite frankly, Talaash is a chicken biryani with perfect spices, excellent rice etc etc, but a Choosa instead of a Murga. The real meat is missing!
( Abb toh PK ka intezaar hai ... Kyonki I dont have hopes from Dhoom 3 anyways!!!)
Ben Affleck is an oddball. Never appealed to me as an actor, but I began to know him as a young guy who wrote a film and won an Oscar with Matt Damon! Good Will Hunting - yep, exceptionally well written. So I knew he had a good mind for films, but well, his acting was third rate. Very recently I read somewhere that he was being considered as the director for the "Justice League" film!!! And I thought, what??? Ben Affleck of all the people.
And so I started doing research, to find out that Affleck had made 2 films already, and they were supposedly really good.
The Justice League one still remains speculation, but when I heard about ARGO, I just knew I had to check it out. And Ben, didn't let me down! Argo is a fascinating tale based on real life events of a covert CIA operation in Iran! It's based on the 1979 Iran Hostage crisis. Revolutionaries were irate with the US and they stormed into the US embassy in Iran and held everyone hostage for 444 days! But the story is not about the captured ones. It's about 6 US nationals who escaped from the embassy and found refuge in the house of a Canadian diplomat. It's about how CIA got them out safely. And the plan was completely whacko!
What's great about this movie, is that it brings you up to speed with history pretty quickly and steps into the story almost immediately. The screenplay is extremely tight and tension starts from the very first scene. Fictional dialogues, visuals are quickly interspersed with real News pieces from that era and you begin living he experience. You believe that they are going to get away somehow, but when you see the plan a CIA operative has to get them out, you say NO WAY! It's against all odds. The tension snowballs as you go past midway and keeps you at the edge of your seat.
But not everything is tense. Some dialogues, the way scenes are shot give you some relief from the tension and makes you believe they will be safe! Essentially, its a drama cum thriller and gives you a very authentic feel of the tension. The movie that comes to mind is Munich! Yep, this one's not as complex, but even though its simple, the screenplay really keeps you bound to your seat. The actors, the production value, the set designs, the background score, the atmospherics, the authenticity of the era and the setting is spot on and Ben Affleck excels as a storyteller.
What doesn't leave a lasting impression is Ben's acting. He is good, but he had scope for great! Tom Hanks could have taken it to fantastic I guess. His limited ability, does make his character a little uni-dimensional.
Ok, lemme say it. It is one of the best films of the year and you cannot miss it. It's got something for everyone. It's not too serious, nor too complex, nor is too tense, also has thrills, drama and keeps you engaged. Watch whatever other crap you wanna see this week, but you have to watch this one too! arGO treat yourselves!
I think I saw the trailer for the movie during "Expendables 2" and I thought "Not again". Bruce in just another sidey-run-of-the-mill sci fi thrillers! But then it released. And the reviews were surprisingly good. So, I was intrigued. It was being called this years "Matrix!!!" Infact, I was so excited that I made an early exit from office and drove myself to the theater with 15 mins for it to start. It's only then that I realised that I had forgotten my wallet in office! Disappointed and irritated I drove back home and slept.
Now, I wanted to see it even more... So I woke up early the next morning and ran back for the early morning show. This time, I made it in time, with adequate money and got in. I ran up the stairs in the dark, as the opening titles came onto screen. Again, in my eagerness I hit my big toe on a step and I just knew that something was not right. I had definitely cracked a bone! Writhing in pain, I sat on my seat and watched it through. Now, as I sit in my bed, with my leg in a bandage, I wonder if it was worth it. Here goes.
Looper is a difficult movie to review. Because you don't want to give up the plot, which is the hero. Warning: The plot is "Scratch-ur-head" worthy. It's basically about "Joseph Gordon Lewitt" who is an assassin of a different kind. He kills people sent back from the future and disposes their bodies - it's called closing the loop. But the real problems begins when he is commissioned to kill his own self from the future "Bruce Willis". Ofcourse Bruce has his own plans and so he escapes. What happens next is a story of a man trying to save his wife, a woman trying to save her kid and a man stuck between his future and his present!!
Now, the plot is A-class. Some brilliant writing keeps you enthralled. What makes this futuristic sci-fi thriller even more impressive is, it does not give you the same old "Extra hi-fi futuristic world". Minimalistic and realistic interpretation of the future, helps it make more believable and actually makes it feel different from the big budget hi tech sci-fi films.
Rian Johnson does an amazing job at the helm, as he paces the movie with aplomb. There are still questions running in your head until the last screen. It leaves you with "What ifs" and you keep thinking about it even after you have left the theater. There are times, when the film meanders, but you can forgive that, because its still making you think. Yes, sometimes it also makes you go WTF because of some stupid action on the screen - like a Sunny Deol type action sequence when Bruce takes out an army of hitmen alone and when people start goofing up conveniently for the heroes good. Anyways, the performances by Lewitt and Willis are effortless. Lewitt has this kiddy machoism to him that makes him loveable yet gives you the feeling that he can handle himself in times of trouble. And Willis, well, you just know that he is gonna woop some ass!
So, should you watch it this weekend? Well, scifi junkies and lovers of intelligent plot led films cant miss it for the world. Others might find it a little too intelligent or slow paced. I saw many girls shifting in their seats. Infact the girl besides me was asking her boyfriend why they dint go for Aiyaa instead!!! Now, don't listen to that load of crap and just watch LOOPER, coz it is definitely scifilicious!
p.s.: Toe jaaye, par picchur naa jaaye! BTW , I am feeling better now, but should be hobbling around for a couple of weeks now.
_This may be my last review, so it’s a bit long. My life is in danger. I was kidnapped by unknown assailants just as I was exiting the theatre after watching AGENT VINOD. I was taken to a snazzy, colourful place, in a BMW. I was gagged, blindfolded, tied up and drugged. I remember being pulled into the car, but I don’t remember how I reached this colourful place. When I did wake up though, I realised where I was. I was on the sets of Agent Vinod. Sriram walked up to me and splashed a whole bucket of water on me. Saif gave me a smug smile and Kareena looked confused.
Sriram: “What is your name?”
Me: (a little confused) Vir..
Sriram: (Cutting in) Oh who cares. Tell me, how was the movie?
Before I could say anything, Saif took out a gun and shot Rajit Kapoor. Nobody was shocked. I heard some bad background music which made no sense. Sriram smiled.
Me: (Shocked) Why did you kill him?
Saif: Generally. Like many other actors, he decided to give a special appearance, travel to some exotic location, shoot for a day and die almost immediately.
Me: Oh! And he got paid for it?
Kareena coughed uncomfortably. Shifted in her seat.
Sriram: Answer me. How was the movie? … Kareena, give him that DRUG.
Kareena: Enough is enough, ok. I did the film, the scenes, the mujra MUFT KA, now the movie is over. OK. Could I look less interested?
Saif: What are you saying sweets. You did such a good job in the film. It was effortless acting.
Kareena: Effort daala hi nahi toh ghanta lagega!
Me: Madam, question. You are Pakistani, staying in London with Chaste HINDI accent. How come?
Kareena looked at me. Then Srreram. It was the maximum effort she had made in a long time.
Sriram picked up a knife and started cutting a mango (Dnt ask why), Saif meanwhile picked up a grenade and put it in Prem Chopra’s pant. Prem ran out of the building shouting expletives. His wailing ended with a BOOM!
Sriram: So tell me… Did you understand the film?
Me: (Trying to make sense of things) Well, yes. I mean a few Pakistanis want to set off a nuclear bomb in Delhi and Saif a RAW agent, is sent to follow the trail of this bomb across some 20 odd countries. He makes things look ridiculously simple, dodges Automatic rifle bullets with precision, kills randomly, keeps getting caught, escapes rather easily, blurts out daft dialogues, tackles actors with short lifespan and acting capabilities, does action over an oddly patched up background score and after 2 hours 40 long long minutes finally (Thank God) saves the day.
Sriram quickly removed a book and a pen, scribbled something, looked bemused and then turned to Saif. “See, I told you the movie meant more than we thought it did!”
Saif smirked, lifted his gun and shot Ravi Kisen in the liver (twice). Ravi was then pushed out of the window and I heard a loud THUD.
Me: (struggling against my restraints) But Sreeram, you had made Ek Haseena Thi and Johnny Gaddar. What happened?
Sriram: Dude. Did you see the SINGLE SHOT SONG, the technique in the action sequences, the different types of treatments I have given to the scenes labelled as “BOURNE”, “BOND” and “TINTIN”? So many flavours, so many techniques in one film.
Me: and what about the Story? The screenplay? The dialogues? The songs? The background score? Common sense? And if this is an action film, where is that one awesome-edge-of-the-seat scene? Why is the chemistry between Kareena and Saif (off screen lovers) so thanda on screen? Why is everything a blitz and nothing truly memorable? Why is everything so cold? Why doesn't a single character endear you?
Stunned silence. Sriram looked at me for a moment. Pritam quickly opened his laptop, googled for a song apt for the situation (or not), found some random Persian one, quickly dubbed it in Hindi and played it in the background. I thought to myself (Boy, he has talent!)
Me: And Saif, how come you got caught repeatedly, was not killed instantly and always managed to start a conversation with the villains, confused them, then somehow got out of the situation by BAJAOING pungi of most of them without as much as soiling or crumpling your white shirt?
Saif thought for a while, quickly went in and changed into a crisp black suit, walked up to me slowly and said with a smile “Coz baby, I am the producer!”
Before I could start clapping (By far the best dialogue of the day) Kareena got up. She started crying.
Kareena: “ You fooled me Saif. You said you were inspired from your LUX COZY baniyaan Ads. And said that the shooting will get done like those Ads “Bade Aaraam Se”. But you fooled me and I did everything MUFT KA.
She walked upto him and kicked his “CHOTE NAWAAB”! Saif crashed and Kareena walked out. Sreeram meanwhile said Action and all the others just randomly died.
I took this opportunity, jumped up, broke some chairs, did a summersault, grabbed an automatic rifle, lit up a cigar with a single shot, kicked it off a table, grabbed it with my lips, took 2 puffs, let out random shots at Sriram, did a couple of pushups, dodged 100 automatic rifle bullets, threw the gun, opened a suitcase, diffused a bomb while kissing a random firang, tore her dress, tied one end to a corpse, jumped off the window, dangled perilously, crashed into a bedroom, ran down the stairs, hot wired a Chevy, tore across the city while dodging 102 bikers, 15 helicopters and finally reached home to write this review. They are behind me. I may get shot anytime now.
But you can escape death. Yes. Simply don’t buy the ticket. Else, get ready for BORE ULTIMATUM.
Rating: 3 / 10
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1,2,3,4 - Poor
5,6 - Average
7,8 - Good
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