This is not a review. Coz one cannot review the unreviewable. So let’s go into flashback, on the day of the inception of the idea of making this film. It was 3 months after release of Dabangg; after it had run its course as being one of the biggest hits in the history of Indian Cinema.
SCENE 1:
INT.Living Room of Salman’s Home - NIGHT
A Makkhi buzzes into the living room as a thoroughly drunk Salman is browsing through the album of all his former girlfriends (VOL 2), wishing he had BEEN HUMAN to them. The Makkhi, stinking of milk, goes and settles on the sofa besides Salman. Sallu smells the stink and lashes out at the Makkhi. Suddenly, a voice erupts.
Makkhi: Bhaiyaa... Mainnnn hun, Arbuzzzz....
Salman: Abbey thuu? Par yeh Makkhi jaisa kyon bhinbhina raha hai.
Makkhi: Ek hi toh achchaa role mila hai jindagi main. Where I play myself, a buffoon. People around the world now know me. So I thought, I should be Makkhi permanently.
Salman: Oo... But Dhoodhiye... tu yeh Milky kyon smell kar raha hai?
Makkhi: (Blushes) woh main MALAI KHA ke aa raha hun naa... isliye.
Salman: Ooimaa!
Salman looks at the album again and imagines himself in the famous Deewar scene.
EXT: MUMBAI ROADS – NIGHT (Scene within a scene - Inception Scene)
Salman: Mere paas aaj bangla hai, gaadi hai, daulat, shohrat hai, pictures hai, TV program hai,
naam hai, brand endorsements hai, court cases hai aur pataa nahi kya kya hai... Tere paas kya hai?
Makkhi: Mere paas...... Biwi hai.... < One tight slap sound >
Salman comes back to reality. A tear rolls down his cheeks.
Makkhi: Bhaiyaa. You have to help me bhaiya. I have no talent, no intelligence, no face in society.
Salman: Toh kya hua? Biwi toh hai! < More Tears roll down his cheek>
Makkhi: Wohi toh problem hai.. Kal we made profits from Dabangg 1 and she has blown it all. What should I do bhaiya?
Salman: Let’s make another movie then.
Makkhi: But bhaiya, I don’t know how to write story, I don’t understand screenplay and I have no idea where to begin.
Salman thinks for sometime and then walks to the nearest cupboard. He pulls out a folder and throws it to Makkhi.
Salman: That’s our new film.
Makkhi: Yeh kya bhaiya? Dabangg 1 ki script?
Salman: Haan. Yeh Pen le and do as I say.
· Cut 1, and write 2.
· Change location from Laalgunj to ....
Makkhi: Kanpur.
Salman: Why?
Makkhi: Arrey I am a Makkhi na.. I like KAAN.
Salman: Right. Kanpur it is.
· Keep Warehouse Fight scene. Use goon who’s cellphone keeps ringing. Fat guy. Funny.
· Call Sajid and tell him to rehash UDD UDD DABANGG song.
· Introduce Villain. But he is dead. What should we do?
Makkhi: Bhaiya. Why don’t we use a Shitty idea?
Salman: Haan Makkhi, I know you like hovering over shit.
Makkhi: Exactly, Rohit Shitty – Singham – Villain – Worked Well – Copy Paste.
Salman: Great. Will call Prakash Raj tomorrow.
· Then tell Wajid to rehash “Tere Mast mast do nain”. Call Rahat to fly in from Pakistan.
Makkhi: Rahat? That Dagabaaz!
Salman: Arbaaz. You are a genius. New song. Dagabaaz re.
· Then replace random fight sequence.
· Replace Father-Son fights, with Father-son camaraderie. Call Vinod Khanna for dates. Oh!
Yes, no one else wants him. Just call him and say “Kamaal karogay Pandeyji?”
· Tell Sajid to replace the “Police Station” song.
· Then change the “Neta- Bhashan” scene, where I am standing nearby sucking on a random
fruit. Use similar smart mouth constables.
· Replace Dubai romantic song, with SOME OTHER PHOREN LOCATION romantic song.
· Make a scene, where I use the “KAANPHUSE HO JAAOGAY” dialogue
· Use some other product for one item number.
Makkhi: Jhandu Balm? The song jahan aap apni Bhabhi se itna Chipak rahe the.. Fevicol ki tarah!
Salman: Makkhi, you are a genius. Tell Sajid, use Fevicol instead. And because you are insecure, let’s use someone else for the item number. Someone who can handle our Nawaabi shouk.... Kareena.
Makkhi: But biwi ko nahi liya toh biwi maaregi! It’s the only way she can get more TV dance shows.
Salman: Ok. Add her in some song.
Chalo that’s it 90% toh ho gayi picture ready, bus one instigation point and one climax fight. Done.
Makkhi: But Bhaiyaa...Itna sab same hogaa toh Original kya hoga?
Salman: Hmmm.. Wait let me browse TV and see. Ideas kahin se bhi aa sakte hain.
· Channel 1 : Sab TV: Office Office – Awesome. Use FAT GUY always eating on desk as Police
commissioner.
· Channel 2: HBO: Kung Fu Panda – Oo ooo.. use Kung Fu Pandey as catch line and see full movie for
random fight scene inspirations.
Buss that’s it. We have 2 original ideas.
Makkhi: But what about Money? I don’t have money.
Salman: < Flips channel>
· Channel 3: Sony: Commecial – Let’s place 3 to 4 product commercials in the movie. Makkhi quickly
note down the next 3 commercials. Contact them tomorrow. Make deal.
Makkhi: Awesomeeeeeeeeeeeee! Bhaiya.. You are great.
The Makkhi quickly picks up the changed manuscript and flies away. Salman smiles, then looks at his BEING HUMAN T-shirt. Cuts out the HUMAN and writes DABANGG...
Salman: I am on fire, tonight. Can make more money by selling useless BEING DABANGG T-shirts!
SCENE 2:
EXT.Outside Arbaaz’s prod house - Day
Abhinav Kashyap: WTF! This is Dabangg 1.
Makkhi: No. Salman bhai wrote original script last night.
Abhinav: I won’t do this shit.
Salman: You are fired.
Abhinav walks away. Salman looks at the manuscript and thinks “Who would be stupid enough to direct this?”.. Then looks at his brother.
Salman: Makkhi. Final change. We replace this AK with another AK.. OK?
Makkhi: You mean Aamir Khan? But he ...
Salman: Ailaa! Nahi re...Abhinav with Arbaaz.
Rating: 2/10 – For Salman’s strong performance.
P.S.: Unfortunately, the writing is uninspired, dialogues are insipid, there is no storyline. Atleast the original gave you strong characters, good dialogues, great songs. This is just an ugly imitation with idiots at the helm. They just want to loot the JUNTA.. Please do not go for this film. It’s day light robbery of you hard earned money. Really, Dabangg Thuu...
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SCENE 1:
INT.Living Room of Salman’s Home - NIGHT
A Makkhi buzzes into the living room as a thoroughly drunk Salman is browsing through the album of all his former girlfriends (VOL 2), wishing he had BEEN HUMAN to them. The Makkhi, stinking of milk, goes and settles on the sofa besides Salman. Sallu smells the stink and lashes out at the Makkhi. Suddenly, a voice erupts.
Makkhi: Bhaiyaa... Mainnnn hun, Arbuzzzz....
Salman: Abbey thuu? Par yeh Makkhi jaisa kyon bhinbhina raha hai.
Makkhi: Ek hi toh achchaa role mila hai jindagi main. Where I play myself, a buffoon. People around the world now know me. So I thought, I should be Makkhi permanently.
Salman: Oo... But Dhoodhiye... tu yeh Milky kyon smell kar raha hai?
Makkhi: (Blushes) woh main MALAI KHA ke aa raha hun naa... isliye.
Salman: Ooimaa!
Salman looks at the album again and imagines himself in the famous Deewar scene.
EXT: MUMBAI ROADS – NIGHT (Scene within a scene - Inception Scene)
Salman: Mere paas aaj bangla hai, gaadi hai, daulat, shohrat hai, pictures hai, TV program hai,
naam hai, brand endorsements hai, court cases hai aur pataa nahi kya kya hai... Tere paas kya hai?
Makkhi: Mere paas...... Biwi hai.... < One tight slap sound >
Salman comes back to reality. A tear rolls down his cheeks.
Makkhi: Bhaiyaa. You have to help me bhaiya. I have no talent, no intelligence, no face in society.
Salman: Toh kya hua? Biwi toh hai! < More Tears roll down his cheek>
Makkhi: Wohi toh problem hai.. Kal we made profits from Dabangg 1 and she has blown it all. What should I do bhaiya?
Salman: Let’s make another movie then.
Makkhi: But bhaiya, I don’t know how to write story, I don’t understand screenplay and I have no idea where to begin.
Salman thinks for sometime and then walks to the nearest cupboard. He pulls out a folder and throws it to Makkhi.
Salman: That’s our new film.
Makkhi: Yeh kya bhaiya? Dabangg 1 ki script?
Salman: Haan. Yeh Pen le and do as I say.
· Cut 1, and write 2.
· Change location from Laalgunj to ....
Makkhi: Kanpur.
Salman: Why?
Makkhi: Arrey I am a Makkhi na.. I like KAAN.
Salman: Right. Kanpur it is.
· Keep Warehouse Fight scene. Use goon who’s cellphone keeps ringing. Fat guy. Funny.
· Call Sajid and tell him to rehash UDD UDD DABANGG song.
· Introduce Villain. But he is dead. What should we do?
Makkhi: Bhaiya. Why don’t we use a Shitty idea?
Salman: Haan Makkhi, I know you like hovering over shit.
Makkhi: Exactly, Rohit Shitty – Singham – Villain – Worked Well – Copy Paste.
Salman: Great. Will call Prakash Raj tomorrow.
· Then tell Wajid to rehash “Tere Mast mast do nain”. Call Rahat to fly in from Pakistan.
Makkhi: Rahat? That Dagabaaz!
Salman: Arbaaz. You are a genius. New song. Dagabaaz re.
· Then replace random fight sequence.
· Replace Father-Son fights, with Father-son camaraderie. Call Vinod Khanna for dates. Oh!
Yes, no one else wants him. Just call him and say “Kamaal karogay Pandeyji?”
· Tell Sajid to replace the “Police Station” song.
· Then change the “Neta- Bhashan” scene, where I am standing nearby sucking on a random
fruit. Use similar smart mouth constables.
· Replace Dubai romantic song, with SOME OTHER PHOREN LOCATION romantic song.
· Make a scene, where I use the “KAANPHUSE HO JAAOGAY” dialogue
· Use some other product for one item number.
Makkhi: Jhandu Balm? The song jahan aap apni Bhabhi se itna Chipak rahe the.. Fevicol ki tarah!
Salman: Makkhi, you are a genius. Tell Sajid, use Fevicol instead. And because you are insecure, let’s use someone else for the item number. Someone who can handle our Nawaabi shouk.... Kareena.
Makkhi: But biwi ko nahi liya toh biwi maaregi! It’s the only way she can get more TV dance shows.
Salman: Ok. Add her in some song.
Chalo that’s it 90% toh ho gayi picture ready, bus one instigation point and one climax fight. Done.
Makkhi: But Bhaiyaa...Itna sab same hogaa toh Original kya hoga?
Salman: Hmmm.. Wait let me browse TV and see. Ideas kahin se bhi aa sakte hain.
· Channel 1 : Sab TV: Office Office – Awesome. Use FAT GUY always eating on desk as Police
commissioner.
· Channel 2: HBO: Kung Fu Panda – Oo ooo.. use Kung Fu Pandey as catch line and see full movie for
random fight scene inspirations.
Buss that’s it. We have 2 original ideas.
Makkhi: But what about Money? I don’t have money.
Salman: < Flips channel>
· Channel 3: Sony: Commecial – Let’s place 3 to 4 product commercials in the movie. Makkhi quickly
note down the next 3 commercials. Contact them tomorrow. Make deal.
Makkhi: Awesomeeeeeeeeeeeee! Bhaiya.. You are great.
The Makkhi quickly picks up the changed manuscript and flies away. Salman smiles, then looks at his BEING HUMAN T-shirt. Cuts out the HUMAN and writes DABANGG...
Salman: I am on fire, tonight. Can make more money by selling useless BEING DABANGG T-shirts!
SCENE 2:
EXT.Outside Arbaaz’s prod house - Day
Abhinav Kashyap: WTF! This is Dabangg 1.
Makkhi: No. Salman bhai wrote original script last night.
Abhinav: I won’t do this shit.
Salman: You are fired.
Abhinav walks away. Salman looks at the manuscript and thinks “Who would be stupid enough to direct this?”.. Then looks at his brother.
Salman: Makkhi. Final change. We replace this AK with another AK.. OK?
Makkhi: You mean Aamir Khan? But he ...
Salman: Ailaa! Nahi re...Abhinav with Arbaaz.
Rating: 2/10 – For Salman’s strong performance.
P.S.: Unfortunately, the writing is uninspired, dialogues are insipid, there is no storyline. Atleast the original gave you strong characters, good dialogues, great songs. This is just an ugly imitation with idiots at the helm. They just want to loot the JUNTA.. Please do not go for this film. It’s day light robbery of you hard earned money. Really, Dabangg Thuu...
LIKE to Spread the word!
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