This may be my last review, so it’s a bit long. My life is in danger. I was kidnapped by unknown assailants just as I was exiting the theatre after watching AGENT VINOD. I was taken to a snazzy, colourful place, in a BMW. I was gagged, blindfolded, tied up and drugged. I remember being pulled into the car, but I don’t remember how I reached this colourful place. When I did wake up though, I realised where I was. I was on the sets of Agent Vinod. Sriram walked up to me and splashed a whole bucket of water on me. Saif gave me a smug smile and Kareena looked confused.
Sriram: “What is your name?”
Me: (a little confused) Vir..
Sriram: (Cutting in) Oh who cares. Tell me, how was the movie?
Before I could say anything, Saif took out a gun and shot Rajit Kapoor. Nobody was shocked. I heard some bad background music which made no sense. Sriram smiled.
Me: (Shocked) Why did you kill him?
Saif: Generally. Like many other actors, he decided to give a special appearance, travel to some exotic location, shoot for a day and die almost immediately.
Me: Oh! And he got paid for it?
Kareena coughed uncomfortably. Shifted in her seat.
Sriram: Answer me. How was the movie? … Kareena, give him that DRUG.
Kareena: Enough is enough, ok. I did the film, the scenes, the mujra MUFT KA, now the movie is over. OK. Could I look less interested?
Saif: What are you saying sweets. You did such a good job in the film. It was effortless acting.
Kareena: Effort daala hi nahi toh ghanta lagega!
Me: Madam, question. You are Pakistani, staying in London with Chaste HINDI accent. How come?
Kareena looked at me. Then Srreram. It was the maximum effort she had made in a long time.
Sriram picked up a knife and started cutting a mango (Dnt ask why), Saif meanwhile picked up a grenade and put it in Prem Chopra’s pant. Prem ran out of the building shouting expletives. His wailing ended with a BOOM!
Sriram: So tell me… Did you understand the film?
Me: (Trying to make sense of things) Well, yes. I mean a few Pakistanis want to set off a nuclear bomb in Delhi and Saif a RAW agent, is sent to follow the trail of this bomb across some 20 odd countries. He makes things look ridiculously simple, dodges Automatic rifle bullets with precision, kills randomly, keeps getting caught, escapes rather easily, blurts out daft dialogues, tackles actors with short lifespan and acting capabilities, does action over an oddly patched up background score and after 2 hours 40 long long minutes finally (Thank God) saves the day.
Sriram quickly removed a book and a pen, scribbled something, looked bemused and then turned to Saif. “See, I told you the movie meant more than we thought it did!”
Saif smirked, lifted his gun and shot Ravi Kisen in the liver (twice). Ravi was then pushed out of the window and I heard a loud THUD.
Me: (struggling against my restraints) But Sreeram, you had made Ek Haseena Thi and Johnny Gaddar. What happened?
Sriram: Dude. Did you see the SINGLE SHOT SONG, the technique in the action sequences, the different types of treatments I have given to the scenes labelled as “BOURNE”, “BOND” and “TINTIN”? So many flavours, so many techniques in one film.
Me: and what about the Story? The screenplay? The dialogues? The songs? The background score? Common sense? And if this is an action film, where is that one awesome-edge-of-the-seat scene? Why is the chemistry between Kareena and Saif (off screen lovers) so thanda on screen? Why is everything a blitz and nothing truly memorable? Why is everything so cold? Why doesn't a single character endear you?
Stunned silence. Sriram looked at me for a moment. Pritam quickly opened his laptop, googled for a song apt for the situation (or not), found some random Persian one, quickly dubbed it in Hindi and played it in the background. I thought to myself (Boy, he has talent!)
Me: And Saif, how come you got caught repeatedly, was not killed instantly and always managed to start a conversation with the villains, confused them, then somehow got out of the situation by BAJAOING pungi of most of them without as much as soiling or crumpling your white shirt?
Saif thought for a while, quickly went in and changed into a crisp black suit, walked up to me slowly and said with a smile “Coz baby, I am the producer!”
Before I could start clapping (By far the best dialogue of the day) Kareena got up. She started crying.
Kareena: “ You fooled me Saif. You said you were inspired from your LUX COZY baniyaan Ads. And said that the shooting will get done like those Ads “Bade Aaraam Se”. But you fooled me and I did everything MUFT KA.
She walked upto him and kicked his “CHOTE NAWAAB”! Saif crashed and Kareena walked out. Sreeram meanwhile said Action and all the others just randomly died.
I took this opportunity, jumped up, broke some chairs, did a summersault, grabbed an automatic rifle, lit up a cigar with a single shot, kicked it off a table, grabbed it with my lips, took 2 puffs, let out random shots at Sriram, did a couple of pushups, dodged 100 automatic rifle bullets, threw the gun, opened a suitcase, diffused a bomb while kissing a random firang, tore her dress, tied one end to a corpse, jumped off the window, dangled perilously, crashed into a bedroom, ran down the stairs, hot wired a Chevy, tore across the city while dodging 102 bikers, 15 helicopters and finally reached home to write this review. They are behind me. I may get shot anytime now.
But you can escape death. Yes. Simply don’t buy the ticket. Else, get ready for BORE ULTIMATUM.
Rating: 3 / 10
Sriram: “What is your name?”
Me: (a little confused) Vir..
Sriram: (Cutting in) Oh who cares. Tell me, how was the movie?
Before I could say anything, Saif took out a gun and shot Rajit Kapoor. Nobody was shocked. I heard some bad background music which made no sense. Sriram smiled.
Me: (Shocked) Why did you kill him?
Saif: Generally. Like many other actors, he decided to give a special appearance, travel to some exotic location, shoot for a day and die almost immediately.
Me: Oh! And he got paid for it?
Kareena coughed uncomfortably. Shifted in her seat.
Sriram: Answer me. How was the movie? … Kareena, give him that DRUG.
Kareena: Enough is enough, ok. I did the film, the scenes, the mujra MUFT KA, now the movie is over. OK. Could I look less interested?
Saif: What are you saying sweets. You did such a good job in the film. It was effortless acting.
Kareena: Effort daala hi nahi toh ghanta lagega!
Me: Madam, question. You are Pakistani, staying in London with Chaste HINDI accent. How come?
Kareena looked at me. Then Srreram. It was the maximum effort she had made in a long time.
Sriram picked up a knife and started cutting a mango (Dnt ask why), Saif meanwhile picked up a grenade and put it in Prem Chopra’s pant. Prem ran out of the building shouting expletives. His wailing ended with a BOOM!
Sriram: So tell me… Did you understand the film?
Me: (Trying to make sense of things) Well, yes. I mean a few Pakistanis want to set off a nuclear bomb in Delhi and Saif a RAW agent, is sent to follow the trail of this bomb across some 20 odd countries. He makes things look ridiculously simple, dodges Automatic rifle bullets with precision, kills randomly, keeps getting caught, escapes rather easily, blurts out daft dialogues, tackles actors with short lifespan and acting capabilities, does action over an oddly patched up background score and after 2 hours 40 long long minutes finally (Thank God) saves the day.
Sriram quickly removed a book and a pen, scribbled something, looked bemused and then turned to Saif. “See, I told you the movie meant more than we thought it did!”
Saif smirked, lifted his gun and shot Ravi Kisen in the liver (twice). Ravi was then pushed out of the window and I heard a loud THUD.
Me: (struggling against my restraints) But Sreeram, you had made Ek Haseena Thi and Johnny Gaddar. What happened?
Sriram: Dude. Did you see the SINGLE SHOT SONG, the technique in the action sequences, the different types of treatments I have given to the scenes labelled as “BOURNE”, “BOND” and “TINTIN”? So many flavours, so many techniques in one film.
Me: and what about the Story? The screenplay? The dialogues? The songs? The background score? Common sense? And if this is an action film, where is that one awesome-edge-of-the-seat scene? Why is the chemistry between Kareena and Saif (off screen lovers) so thanda on screen? Why is everything a blitz and nothing truly memorable? Why is everything so cold? Why doesn't a single character endear you?
Stunned silence. Sriram looked at me for a moment. Pritam quickly opened his laptop, googled for a song apt for the situation (or not), found some random Persian one, quickly dubbed it in Hindi and played it in the background. I thought to myself (Boy, he has talent!)
Me: And Saif, how come you got caught repeatedly, was not killed instantly and always managed to start a conversation with the villains, confused them, then somehow got out of the situation by BAJAOING pungi of most of them without as much as soiling or crumpling your white shirt?
Saif thought for a while, quickly went in and changed into a crisp black suit, walked up to me slowly and said with a smile “Coz baby, I am the producer!”
Before I could start clapping (By far the best dialogue of the day) Kareena got up. She started crying.
Kareena: “ You fooled me Saif. You said you were inspired from your LUX COZY baniyaan Ads. And said that the shooting will get done like those Ads “Bade Aaraam Se”. But you fooled me and I did everything MUFT KA.
She walked upto him and kicked his “CHOTE NAWAAB”! Saif crashed and Kareena walked out. Sreeram meanwhile said Action and all the others just randomly died.
I took this opportunity, jumped up, broke some chairs, did a summersault, grabbed an automatic rifle, lit up a cigar with a single shot, kicked it off a table, grabbed it with my lips, took 2 puffs, let out random shots at Sriram, did a couple of pushups, dodged 100 automatic rifle bullets, threw the gun, opened a suitcase, diffused a bomb while kissing a random firang, tore her dress, tied one end to a corpse, jumped off the window, dangled perilously, crashed into a bedroom, ran down the stairs, hot wired a Chevy, tore across the city while dodging 102 bikers, 15 helicopters and finally reached home to write this review. They are behind me. I may get shot anytime now.
But you can escape death. Yes. Simply don’t buy the ticket. Else, get ready for BORE ULTIMATUM.
Rating: 3 / 10
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