Be-warned that the following encounter is neither true nor imaginary, because no one believes me. While I watched this movie, I was teleported into another world completelty unknown to us. The land of Jaadu. Yes, the kind alien who had thought that he had retired in 1982 after E.T., but was unceremoniously brought back into this world by Rakesh Roshan in 2003 . And Jaadu was pissed!
Excerpt of my conversation with him:
Me: Haila, Jaadu! < He was standing beneath an umbrella, trying to stay away from Dhoop>
Jaadu: Chaaannnnv.. < He said with a lot of peace >
Me: But, I thought you wanted Dhooop...
Jaadu: Fu%# the Dhoop man! < I was stunned. It was like I was meeting Paul, the foul mouthed alien from the movie Paul!> Woh saala Rohit used to put me in the sun and make me so angry that I used to get charged up. You don't know how much my fellow aliens teased me because of that fu#%in tan!
Me: Dude, you are supposed to be "U" certified. And it's Diwali. Please mind your language.
Jaadu: Oh! So Hritik is allowed to smooch both Priyanka and Kangana, Rakesh Roshan is allowed to yank the balls off IPR standards and show mosquitoe ridden kids in Namibia, and Rajesh Roshan is allowed to cluster fu%# everyone with his music; but you want me to mind my language?
Me: You have seen Krissh 3?? < I was surprised>
Jaadu: Dude.. he is using my name for selling shit. You think I won't watch it? I am gonna sue his arse!
Me: But why? It's such a successful franchise. And what amazing CG work, surely a quantum leap for Indian movies.
Jaadu: Indeed a quantum leap..... in the number of inspirations in a film! In 2003 Rakesh found one sole DVD - E.T. on a lonely night. This time it seems he stumbled on Hritiks SuperHero Porn Parody collection! Saala, I gave a mentally challenged child intelligence.. These people are turning intelligent children into...
Me: Special kids. I cut him short before he stepped on some more fingers!
Jaadu: X-Men, Spiderman, Superman, Terminator, Iron Man... Uff.. It's as if they stole bloody Stan Lee ka Dabba and poora chep diya! < I was more astounded by Jaadu's usage of the Delhi slang for copying than anything else>
Me: Cool it man. I mean alien... You are turning green again.
Jaadu: What I hate most is that they blame everything that happens in the film to my DNA! I didn't give them stupidity. Who makes a compilation of very well executed shots that are copied from hollywood films and then injects it with the absurdity of Bollywood drama like main tumhare bache ki maa, hum tumhare bache ko nahi bachaa sake, main uske sachchai ke saamne jhukk gayi, woh aayega et al? Have you ever seen mutants losing their cover because they want to have ice cream!!!
Me: Plot details. Plot details! Don't give away such important plot details Jaadu.
Jaadu: Ghanta Plot details. I don't know why they shot this movie. I could easily get reels of 15 movies and just edit this movie out (even a song sequence that's taken right out of Ghajini)! And what's with the KAAAL and KAAYA? Vivek should have been called Prof. Charles Magneto(yes, mix breed) and Kangana, Raven right?
Me: Chalo atleast Krissh is original.
Jaadu: Yeah. He is original. No other superhero is quiet as cheesy as him and his lame ass wife (Priyanka!). I see her on the screen and I just want to Yank the Pri out of her! Even Kangana outshines her. And Hritik, is better off selling Krissh wrist bands than doing one more Krissh film. He is sincere, but everything around him just crumbles. Even the awesome visuals and fight sequences don't evoke any emotion. And you know what angered me the most?
Jaadu: Did you see them copying Modijis idea of the Statue of Unity? How dare they make a statue of Krissh like that! It's an insult and I think they must have got this idea from Rahul. Figures.... this movie is as absurd as his escape velocity theory!
Me: Speaking of escapes. I should be going now. Right?
Jaadu: Yeah. Here take this filter.
Me: What Filter?
Jaadu: Dimaag waala Filter. The only theory this movie introduces that actually makes sense for this movie. Coz, quiet frankly everyone needs one before going to watch it. Just filter your dimaag at home and enjoy!
Me: Thank you Jaadu. < he bid me farewell!>
Vooop... I was back in the theater. The climax scene reminding me of the climax of the recent SuperMan film. I looked around and even the children looked bored. Why? Because children have seen it all. They know more about the recent superhero films than us. Even they must be thinking why so much money is being blown in making something so unoriginal look good? Couldn't they have just spent a little more on good writers and made something half original? This is toh complete Stan Lee ka Abba Dabaa Jabaa..
Rating: 4 /10
( For the excellent execution, which makes it even more disappointing! Opportunity lost.)