Surraiya ka toh pataa nahi, Acharya is definitely out there to take your Jaan. And he has been at it for years now. He started off with the disastrous Tashan, trumped it with Dhoom 3 and now has made his most sincere attempt yet with this epic monstrosity ‘Thugs of Hindostan’. Someone please file an FIR against him for attempted genocide and put him behind bars for good. And yeah, don’t forget to put YRF on the watchlist for terrorism, coz they increase the funding for Acharya every time he plots a potential apocalypse. Iss baar bach gaye, toh next time they might give him 500 Crores and he might just succeed at doing something even Global Warming hasn’t succeeded at yet.
While the best way to survive this thuggery is to stay home, I know you must be twitching to see why is it so bad…. Right? But remember, like in all horror films once you open the door to see where the noise is coming from, you will die! So here are some handy survival tips.
1 – Take a time machine along. And jump 3 hours into the future. 3 hours 30 minutes just to be sure. It’s ok to miss those extra 30 minutes of your life… you won’t regret it.
2 – If you don’t have a time machine, ask this film’s editor to edit your life a bit. He might just cut off a year or two and screw up the continuity, but what the hell atleast you are alive!
3 – Tell Aamir you will count the cash he made while sleepwalking through this film. You might need 20-30 shows of this film to count it all, but for once in your life you will know how it feels to have 9 zeroes after 1.
4 – There is a Donkey in the film called Nawaab saab. See if you can kidnap it. Even Nawaab saab runs faster than the screenplay!
5 – Fall into the massive plot holes. Yep. Don’t ask why? How? Etc etc. Just fall into them and wait till the movie ends.
6 – Play a game of opening your eyes only when the women characters of the film are speaking. 5 minutes is all you will have to bear. I can’t promise that you will survive Fatima’s horrid attempt at acting and Katrina’s valiant attempt at moving her facial muscles, but if you do then you will definitely be ready for cancer.
7 – As soon as a character is introduced, plunge into your dreams to think of a back story for each one of them and cook up their motivations. Now feel proud of yourself. Even the director didn’t bother to do that.
8 – Whenever a Ship is shown in the film, think of being on the Titanic. Imagine dancing on the deck with the love of your life. It’s Ok if you have 2 left feet. Atleast you won’t look as rigid and lifeless as Amitabh Bachchan in the action sequences or as strung up as Fatima. And your survival rate on Titanic is better. Trust me!
9 – Buy a huge bucket of some crispy caramel popcorn and start stuffing your face with both hands. Concentrate on the sweet flavor. When you are done, invert the empty bucket and place it on your head. Pull it until it covers your eyes. The 220+ bucks you spent on the popcorn is totally worth it.
10 – Watch Katrina Kaif’s moves in Suraiyya Jaan Legi Kya on Youtube. Learn them well. They might be difficult at first as the song is choreographed by Prabhudeva, but try to perfect them. Now use them in the theater to avoid the faaltu dialogues (written by Acharya himself) the character’s throw at you, as brilliantly as Katrina misses the beat in the Surraiya song (really, what was Prabhudeva thinking)!
11 – Start singing Acharya Buss Kar Buss Kar Yaar, Acharya Jaan Lega Kya? … Taras aa gaya, toh bach jaogay. But chances kum hain.
12 – Smuggle some booze in and play a drinking game. Every time a character say ‘Azaad’, have a shot. Be blissfully oblivious of the proceedings 30 minutes into the film. Caution: You will need a lot of booze, coz every 15 minutes of this film tumhaari saari utaar degi!
13 – If you are an Aamir Khan fan, start writing an impassioned letter to him on a tissue you got with your popcorn with the help of the torch light in your phone. Ask him to immediately stop working with YRF, and spend the last few years of his career making films he believes in and not what he enjoys doing. Coz this is a massive mis-step (proudly sitting with legendary films like Mela and Mangal Pandey). I mean, if you credit him for micromanaging relatively smaller budget films with new directors, then you must credit him for this debacle as well. Or was he trying to pull a Salman here and run over theater filled with people on his donkey?
14 – Point your finger towards the screen and shoot the eagle with your imaginary gun. Coz every time it comes on screen, it is a premonition of Amitabh’s body-double doing a stunt or Amitabh hamming some dialogue about Azaadi ( quickly have a shot of that booze while you shoot).
15 – For every scene with VFX, watch a scene of Magadheera( made in 2009 at a budget of 40 crore by Rajamouli) on your mobile and wonder how come Magadheera’s scenes looked better than this film with a 300 Crore budget.
16 – Hope that god gives you as much Vision in the theater as Acharya has for film-making. The extreme myopia might blur the screen enough for you to miss the proceedings!
17 – Actually die on the way to the theater.
That’s it. Yes. I know I promised 101 ways, but I am just preparing you for things that fall way short of your expectations. Like this film. After all, who knew that the title of the film wasn’t the theme but a warning of the con the producers were gonna play on its audience!
Rating – 0.5/5 ( for some joy that Aamir a.k.a. Firangi gives you intermittently i.e. if you are awake enough to witness it)
Note: This is a PSA - Public Service Announcement - So kindly SHARE THIS as many times as you can. Coz once someone boards this Ship, no S.O.S can save them. They will have to be prepared with these handy survival techniques.
While the best way to survive this thuggery is to stay home, I know you must be twitching to see why is it so bad…. Right? But remember, like in all horror films once you open the door to see where the noise is coming from, you will die! So here are some handy survival tips.
1 – Take a time machine along. And jump 3 hours into the future. 3 hours 30 minutes just to be sure. It’s ok to miss those extra 30 minutes of your life… you won’t regret it.
2 – If you don’t have a time machine, ask this film’s editor to edit your life a bit. He might just cut off a year or two and screw up the continuity, but what the hell atleast you are alive!
3 – Tell Aamir you will count the cash he made while sleepwalking through this film. You might need 20-30 shows of this film to count it all, but for once in your life you will know how it feels to have 9 zeroes after 1.
4 – There is a Donkey in the film called Nawaab saab. See if you can kidnap it. Even Nawaab saab runs faster than the screenplay!
5 – Fall into the massive plot holes. Yep. Don’t ask why? How? Etc etc. Just fall into them and wait till the movie ends.
6 – Play a game of opening your eyes only when the women characters of the film are speaking. 5 minutes is all you will have to bear. I can’t promise that you will survive Fatima’s horrid attempt at acting and Katrina’s valiant attempt at moving her facial muscles, but if you do then you will definitely be ready for cancer.
7 – As soon as a character is introduced, plunge into your dreams to think of a back story for each one of them and cook up their motivations. Now feel proud of yourself. Even the director didn’t bother to do that.
8 – Whenever a Ship is shown in the film, think of being on the Titanic. Imagine dancing on the deck with the love of your life. It’s Ok if you have 2 left feet. Atleast you won’t look as rigid and lifeless as Amitabh Bachchan in the action sequences or as strung up as Fatima. And your survival rate on Titanic is better. Trust me!
9 – Buy a huge bucket of some crispy caramel popcorn and start stuffing your face with both hands. Concentrate on the sweet flavor. When you are done, invert the empty bucket and place it on your head. Pull it until it covers your eyes. The 220+ bucks you spent on the popcorn is totally worth it.
10 – Watch Katrina Kaif’s moves in Suraiyya Jaan Legi Kya on Youtube. Learn them well. They might be difficult at first as the song is choreographed by Prabhudeva, but try to perfect them. Now use them in the theater to avoid the faaltu dialogues (written by Acharya himself) the character’s throw at you, as brilliantly as Katrina misses the beat in the Surraiya song (really, what was Prabhudeva thinking)!
11 – Start singing Acharya Buss Kar Buss Kar Yaar, Acharya Jaan Lega Kya? … Taras aa gaya, toh bach jaogay. But chances kum hain.
12 – Smuggle some booze in and play a drinking game. Every time a character say ‘Azaad’, have a shot. Be blissfully oblivious of the proceedings 30 minutes into the film. Caution: You will need a lot of booze, coz every 15 minutes of this film tumhaari saari utaar degi!
13 – If you are an Aamir Khan fan, start writing an impassioned letter to him on a tissue you got with your popcorn with the help of the torch light in your phone. Ask him to immediately stop working with YRF, and spend the last few years of his career making films he believes in and not what he enjoys doing. Coz this is a massive mis-step (proudly sitting with legendary films like Mela and Mangal Pandey). I mean, if you credit him for micromanaging relatively smaller budget films with new directors, then you must credit him for this debacle as well. Or was he trying to pull a Salman here and run over theater filled with people on his donkey?
14 – Point your finger towards the screen and shoot the eagle with your imaginary gun. Coz every time it comes on screen, it is a premonition of Amitabh’s body-double doing a stunt or Amitabh hamming some dialogue about Azaadi ( quickly have a shot of that booze while you shoot).
15 – For every scene with VFX, watch a scene of Magadheera( made in 2009 at a budget of 40 crore by Rajamouli) on your mobile and wonder how come Magadheera’s scenes looked better than this film with a 300 Crore budget.
16 – Hope that god gives you as much Vision in the theater as Acharya has for film-making. The extreme myopia might blur the screen enough for you to miss the proceedings!
17 – Actually die on the way to the theater.
That’s it. Yes. I know I promised 101 ways, but I am just preparing you for things that fall way short of your expectations. Like this film. After all, who knew that the title of the film wasn’t the theme but a warning of the con the producers were gonna play on its audience!
Rating – 0.5/5 ( for some joy that Aamir a.k.a. Firangi gives you intermittently i.e. if you are awake enough to witness it)
Note: This is a PSA - Public Service Announcement - So kindly SHARE THIS as many times as you can. Coz once someone boards this Ship, no S.O.S can save them. They will have to be prepared with these handy survival techniques.
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